SEPTEMBER 2003

01/09/2003 - The Human Condition

Weather: Cloudy with a little sun

Today I am mostly: Disorganised

Why am I so bad at relating to people? I guess I'm not really all that skilled in the art of social communications am I? I've never thrown a party, had a quiet night in, every night, for the past 6 years and I don't really have any friends who are there physically. Why? Social Anxiety Disorder. That said, I'm shaking it off nicely but am still not very good at talking or opening up... I'm just Ultra Defensive, Generating a kind of barrier to stop people from getting to know me on the inside. I think maybe that is because I had a relationship that I didn't find very supportive, and I guess people wouldn't like the real me, too emotional. Soooooooo what do I do? Use the internet as an emotional Vent... Particulalrly this website. Would you like that?

Pus... Sebum... Grease... I don't have very good skin... Chinese medicine then?

Simon

02/09/2003 - Turning Seasons

Weather: Cloudy/Sunny

Today I am mostly: Daunted by Technology

Look's as if my mum is gonna be home all this week... *sigh* I need to go out n do something I think... I mean, I won't be able to put up with her because she bores me and can be irritating... like having a conversation with 2 people simultaneously... Impossible! I see the "Children" are back at school... they are acting as if they are imprisoned, as if they are not happy. They don't know yet they continue to pass judgement! Also I've been a little more active sexually these past 2 days... Time to look for more porn on Kazaa!

Also, lately, I've been finding it difficult to face going online. Strange as it may sound, I find it difficult talking to people right now... Becaus I find sex with strangers scary, and if it isn't sex on Gaydar Java Chat, it's the Boards on OUTintheUK. Their very fiery at the best of times or it;s a place to boast about what a great time I'm having/had. I'm not really that interesting... I can't face humanity right now... I'm sorry.

Simon

03/09/2003 - Televised Headache

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Vainly upgrading my Digital Satellite Receiver

I have a headache! Was that included in the entertainment package I subscribed to? My mum also has a Kidney Infection so she's been moaning all day... And I've been having problems with Sky... I got my viewing card today, but it wasn't as simple as stick it in and wait a few minutes whilst your card activates, more be on the phone all afternoon only to be told you need a new Receiver! Gah!! I also had some other chores to take care ofbut have had to postpone them til tomorrow now... tsk!

I'm off to have a ciggy...

Simon

04/09/2003 - The people on the bus

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Considering Password protection for sensitive sections of this site...

What is it with those people, There is currently road works going on outside my room which means traffic lights which means busses stopping which means people staring at me whenever I have a bloody cigarette outside the window! Why? Plus I'm afraid I'm gonna have to restrict certain sections of my site because people are reading this and about my past and not really respecting the warning...

Otherwise, not a lot been going on

Simon

05/09/2003 - I have Sky Digital!

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: watching the telly...

Well isn't this nice? I have MTV Dance on the TV and I'm writing this from the comfort of my lap. Also I'm gonna sell my old Sky digibox because it's quite popular then I can buy my Wireless ADSL Modem/Router/Wireless Networking Access point! Hoorah!

That said, today didn't start out too brilliantly, I can't face talking to people because I don't feel I can relate to people, and I think I need a break, I've come a long way and need a break before I can take any more shit from people, and hey, I just got sky up and running! I can start watching Anime again!!

Simon

06/09/2003 - Most Programmes aren't good enough

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Rebuilding my site

Maybe I oughta try eating cereal at breakfast...

Simon

07/09/2003 - This rollercoaster sucks!

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Avoidant

I've been avoiding a few things here n there, and am gonna restart my redesign using different software (Macromedia Dreamweaver MX). My mum maybe going away for a week again tomorrow and might end up... *ahem*... accessorizing...

Simon

08/09/2003 - Take it easy

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Shell shocked...

Nuh uh uh... mmm... this isn't good. I think someone who I have been talking to snorts coke... I'm not gonna lie, that does worry me. That said, I have no solid evidence and it is all pure speculation... I hope I'm wrong! I have also been sorting out the digital TV antenna and bid adieu to the old analogue TV antenna we used since my dad was alive. This place has now finished converting to Digital Television, and it was a one man show, so I have a small sense of achievement! My mum has also gone away for a week so over the next week (08-15 of September), see if you can spot the difference... I never can because I'm not that observent about things when it comes to me!

Simon

09/09/2003 - Strong Currents in the Emotional Ocean

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Disappointed

Why me? Why is it that I'm the one who has to put up with crap? If what yesterday's entry says is true, then I've done it again... I've successfully... failed. Sure, life can be shit, but does it have to be more shit than a pleasure? (about 97% Shit) It's a very unhealthy balance.

That said, I had a clairvoyance, and she said that the future is looking Auspicious and that thing's are gonna change dramatically... and soon!

You know, when this contract is served for ADSL, I'm going to just discontinue using the net for a while

Simon

10/09/2003 - Improvements

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Better than of recent

I am such an airhead! All I ever do is keep forgetting everything! As for the cocaine thing, maybe I'm wrong. He seem's very intelligent, and he's advised me against destructive things. Maybe it really was just an observation. All I can do is offer advice against it, but I think he really would know better... so I will just keep reminding myself of that. He seems like a fun person, and seems to have the potential to be a great friend so I should just relax I think.

Also that Slendertone Flex belt seems to be having an effect... my stomach is getting firmer...! So the big expense is paying off.

Simon

11/09/2003 - Life's too short for bad films

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Nervous... and depressed

Respect to NYC/The Pentagon USA

Today I seen CAMP and it was CRAP! Won't see it again I'm afriad... I'm not really welcome on OUTintheUK so maybe I will leave... and then I would lose contact with 3 people... can't win... WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?

They say that Women reach their sexual peak at 30, and Men reach theirs at 18... so that means I have wasted half my sexual peak... but who cares? I feel like the old fool whom is vainly proud of themselves. I guess I'm depressed because I haven't found acceptance for who I am... I can feel my self esteem dropping again.

12/09/2003 - *Ugh*

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Slowed down by cancellations

Look, I don't like Drugs. That said, I don't dislike the people who use them necessarily, I just don't like the idea. It's partly educated belief, partly personal belief. Pot sound's like clinical depression rolled up into a tube of paper. I did feel better than yesterday until that episode of sex and the city. I got my flares at long last, I like them! I think I'm gonna have to get a Job at Burger King or something, just until I can get something better going, and to clear up my bills sooner and get driving, because my train home was cancelled and driving will give me a little thing called freedom.

I don't like drugs because they sound nasty. Sorry if that offends anyone.

Simon

13/09/2003 - Alright then

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Alright really

Got paid!

15/09/2003 - Welcome back Mummy dearest

Weather: Sunny but for how much longer?

Today I am mostly: Catching up on doing stuff I've neglected (e.g. chilling out)

*sighs a breath of relief* at long last... a little peace n quiet for the time being! My mum has this theory that when she's away everything is calm here... actually, I usually do stuff I have to catch up on and some form of DIY or another is always underway... Still haven't fixed my desktop and I'm still hoping to get a wireless ADSL Modem. I can also stop buying damn clothes and get stuff on eBay because some of it looks alright actually... you'd be surprised what strange thing's you can find on there!

Simon

16/09/2003 - Is that a six pack?

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Suffering from achy arms...

... but my abdominal muscles are becoming nice and toned! So much so I looked in the mirror and noticed a firmer, flatter stomach!! And my abdomen is a lot stronger, but now I'm wondering why I was so unhappy with the flab... I guess it was because people were attacking my body image and I'm still embarrassed by my body, and feel humiliated when I'm naked especially around good looking guys...

Maybe it's a psychiatric thing... I hope not!

Simon

17/09/2003 - Neptunium Cupid

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Looking for Love (are their have mail order Boyfriends?)

I'm such a typical Pisces, always striving to prove how independent I am yet I can't last 24 hours on my own... always having dreams that effect my mood for the rest of the day... that's what happened last night, and I've been longing for love all day.

I want to have a boyfriend (again) and I guess I just want to be held close... those warm feelings when your held close to someone who has fallen for you, and you've fallen for them... Love will find me right?

Simon

18/09/2003 - Piranha Pisces

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Not so lovesick

Ok, better than yesterday. Not really done much today... which I needed!

Simon

19/09/2003 - I have green fingers?

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Fat

Just been planting stuff and doing other stuff and my mobile went mad n stuff.

Simon n stuff

20/09/2003 - What's the word for social skills?

Weather: Cloudy?

Today I am mostly: Unsuccessfully giving up smoking

First, I was tired, then I was bored, then I gave up smoking, then I was energetic, then I seen everyone having fun cos I went out to get some cigarettes & now I'm depressed cos I should be out having fun at my age...

Simon

23/09/2003 - The Autumn Equinox

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Shopping

Well, I've got a lot on my plate haven't I? I mean, I have to get qualifications, a Job, Driving skills, a Car, clear my debts, Social Skills, Lose Weight, Tone up and shape up, move out, get friends and maybe a relationship. I have to clean up the mess which is why I'm doing all this. I need help, so I'm turning to self help books for help, because I can't turn to therapy or psychiatry anymore because all my health routes have been sealed off. Still haven't really given up smoking and I've dyed my hair blue.

I often wonder what is the meaning of these invisible bonds people form... is it because we are all incomplete separate entities that whom were once a single entity? Stupid little things like people having a go at me upset me, and so I keep quiet about it, because its pathetic. People wouldn't like that side of me and I find it hard to show them and tell them that there is something up. Sorry.

Simon

27/09/2003 - Smokers Rehab?

Weather: Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Silent

Ok, I can't give up smoking because life at home is frustrating and stressful, and I would rather die from a smoking related disease as opposed to a stress related illness because then I would die happy!

So it's officially Autumn... and I'm still dieting and still hating it! The end results better be worth it, after all, doesn't the ends justify the means?

Simon

29/09/2003 - If that's an Antique, then my eyes must be deceiving me

Weather: Sunny

Today I am mostly: Wondering why am I dieting?

So what is the point exactly in me dieting to lose weight? Who am I trying to attract? I know dieting is a personal thing, and is meant to make me feel better but people kept bullying me into it, and now I've made investments I guess I'm just trying to get results out of commitment.

I'm just fed up with people misperceiving my hair colour, and I'm fed up with people saying I'm fat, and I'm fed up with trying to make friends and I'm fed up with trying to get an IT Career. So, I'm gonna... take a break from improvements, maybe even give up and accept that I just wasn't raised to be successful at anything and the turbulence of my childhood, has won the battle to crush most my qualities.

Simon

30/09/2003 -The Blue Bravado Chronicles

Weather: Partially Cloudy

Today I am mostly: Pushing things (my mum for example)

Orange tastes nice! Ok, I dyes my hair (well there's a surprise huh?) using Jerome Russell Colour shots Bravado Blue, and now my hair is like a royal blue! Haven't been happy with anything lately and now, I just don't know... I am still taking a break from dieting as it's depressing and I need to go up to the surface in this ocean of trials for air. This ocean of trials is the endless path of self improvements, and not knowing why I'm doing all this haha!

Ya know what else is nice? Radox Good Night pillow spray! Has Lavender and chamomile...

Simon