June




	JUNE 2003 06/06/2003 - He was aware, He was still a Child Today's Chord: None Weather - Rain Mood - Depressed Today I started building this Website, Its about time I did something like this. I bought those Guitar Strings today, I will replace the broken E String Tomorrow. I made a new friend today, I've been making a lot, I haven't heard from my favourite online friend today. I've noticed that I am gradually losing Interest in Information Technology, and these past couple of weeks, realised I'm a lonely little boy on a path to self destruction. When my mum is gone... I will be alone in this world. Time is flowing through my fingers like sand, I cant stop it Soon it will be too late. This world is overflowing with Sorrow and Pain and Misery. I have become an Adult, but I'm still a Child. I have also been looking into the Zodiacs, My star sign is ruled by Jupiter and Neptune, Jupiter being Philosophical, and Neptune being the Planet of dreams and illusions. I want to get a scanner, then learn to draw Anime style, so I can start a YAOI/Shounen-Ai site and show off my artistic flare, Baka Neko.com (Stupid Cat.com) is a good resource for learning that style, I also wanna write some gay romance stories, based on real experiences, but I don't have much inspiration in those terms. I'm not looking forward to Fathers day... is that Normal? But hey! at least all the clothes shops are having a Sale! Woo Hoo! SALE!! Simon 07/06/2003 - A new Therapy? Today's Chord: None Weather - Sun/Cloud/Rain Mood - Alternating I spent most of today working on this site, and got some of it in action too. No-one has spoken to me, and I feel as if I should just cease using the internet, and sever my only emotional outlet which, lets face it, doesn't really work. I went into depth today with what has happened these past few years its not a rosy picture I'll admit, but it was kinda therapeutic. I wonder if people really are that important. I just cant offload when I talk to them. Its not helping. But creating this website is. Simon 08/06/2003 - Ice Cream Today's Chord: None (flaming string) Weather - Sunny Mood - Happy Just spent the day cleaning the place, and noticed that they have wipes for everything these days dont they!.... hur.... WHY? Anyway, wipe that aside, I've been in a better mood today, last night I was in a funny mood, and got chatting on the OUTintheUK Boards, and ended up talking about Ice Cream which later became a sexually fuelled chat, and this morning, hell had frozen over, they didn't wanna discuss sex! WOW! That's shattered one preconception, but brought on a little theory, if you dont wanna talk about sex, talk to them in the morning! And I've spread some Japanese 'magic' (or nonsense to you western pigs) about the place making it all so very... intolerable I guess, also I'm no good at building websites am I? please direct all your complaints to my complaints manager, whom was also an ex-hit man. that's all there is to say for today. Simon 09/06/2003 - Manic Monday Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunny Mood - Lustful, Pissed Off, Amused Its been... one of them days... listen up dudes! Ok, today I woke up, on heat, so I gave my self a little sweet self lovin ;) then I got the milk in (left the door unlocked by accident) took a shower, then wandered around butt naked looking for a towel, then I hear a woman's shriek, turned around, and saw a Nunn in my house staring at my naughty bits! I then realised at put my hands over my genitals to cover myself up, and she closed her eyes, touching herself like Roman Catholics do, saying "oh good heavens! peace be with you" I really oughta have confessed my sins, especially after last night tee hee hee! ;) I then bought more Ice Cream because its rapidly becoming my favourite food... giggles and I was getting weird looks :S The police stopped me (I was dressed after the Nunn left thank you!) And then I got stopped by the police (cant drive; cant even cross the road sometimes! - Should I go blonde to suit my brain- again? tell me!) yeah, I was stopped by the Police and they asked me why wasn't I at school... I said because I finished when I was 16 (2 years ago, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms Mathematician) and I showed them my Credit Card and gave them an example of my signature, then they settled for it, eventually! tsk Then I noticed, the carpet needed vacuuming, so I vacuum the carpet and the vacuum cleaner burst into flames... is that normal? My mum soon came home, and the serenity was over HUGE SIGH. Homecare soon pissed me off with there comments about me, so I made a comment about me to there boss, I said that I require a Shotgun, so I can dispose of my rotten "colleagues" in a way, I guess they are. All in all, an odd day, with added Lust, and longing to be close to someone, someone in particular... Simon 10/06/2003 - Exhausted Today's Chord: None (Whoa! Look at him play that thing like a pro man!) Weather - Sunny/Rainy Mood - Lower than Average Today has been quite exhausting. My mum's back and now I've taken on the role of Fido once again! Hoorah... Back under the scrutiny of 'professionals'. I'm getting quite tired of my mum exaggerating over how 'naughty' she has been, I think I've been worse ;) Well, I tried to enjoy life today, woke up, and felt the breeze and the sun as I went out (not naked either! fancy that!) But I dont feel so free. I guess the only way I will be free is when I can leave home, which looks as if that wont be until my mum dies too... I dont look forward to it. Its a Catch 22 situation. I guess I need new friends... and a B/F... and then I can get a new start in life. I'm tired of my simple, pedantic, prodding along as a carer, but I dont have much choice. I have to be there to help. My dad's death... made me a robot to my mum, with little appreciation I guess. I liked being home alone, it was lonely, but thinking about being close to someone, made me feel good, I feel as if I dont want to admit it, but me and my mum dont really get on anymore... its just as if we are 2 completely different people. My mum's Homecare assistants dont really like me, so I have gone back to hiding from them again. Hiding in my room, waiting for them to leave, because they only batter me down. I've had enough of it. I hate it when people tell me what to do, simple as that. If possible, please could you send me a Shotgun, with lots of Ammo... Please? Simon 11/06/2003 - Holiday? Today's Chord: A (kinda...) Weather - Sunny/Cloudy Mood: Reasonably Happy Today, the Travel Agent caught my eye. Thinking about going to Italy! Kinda admitted to someone that I fancy them last night too. I'm uncertain what kinda reaction (if any) I'm gonna get to that! I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion: The end of Evangelion today, and remembered what Rei & Kaworu's answer was to Shinji's Question (What are the 2 of you in my heart?) Rei: "We are Hope. The Hope that someday people will understand each other" Kaworu "And we are the words 'I Love you'" well, sounds nice, but unfortunately, it may never happen. I dont feel it will ever happen to me either. I know it sounds pessimistic, and I would like to be proved wrong but hey... I feel I should hide the truth from my mum. I cant exactly say "I find you inconvenient" to my own mother, but I dont think that's true. I think its just her Homecare Assistants, its like I'm fighting a war with them single handily with no allies. If I do go to Italy, then I would end up doing something that I have been thinking of doing. Travelling around the world to escape the pressure of living at home, because living at home involves not being able to carry on living around them. I wanna live in Japan someday too... But that's just a dream. Maybe one day, but I will just have to see what life brings. Maybe I could live there for a few months, Japan has a policy of letting Gaijin (foreigners) stay in Japan without a Visa if there citizens can do the same (come here without a Visa - Because Japanese people can stay here up to 6 months without a Visa, we can stay there for 6 Months without a Visa - UK peeps that is) Well, I think I've made my feelings about Homecare clear, some are ok mind you, some are just plain awful, and depressing, and I wont talk to them. I wont Cooperate with them at all, it may seem childish, but my Cooperation isn't appreciated by them, so I wont appreciate there's. Simple really. Simon 12/06/2003 - He thinks its all over Today's Chord: A Weather - Sunny Mood: Depressed Today, I woke up realising I probably said something to upset someone, in that I have made a mistake and its because I followed my instinct. Another Mistake... something I frequently do so it seems. I went to the Cinema today too. I went to see Bringing Down the House. It was ok, kinda snobby, racist, and was set in a very stuck up area. Transport was abysmal and hopeless. My train was cancelled 3 times consecutively, and I'm quite tired now. That's all I've got to write for now Simon 13/06/2003 - Automatic Today's Chord: N/A (Cant keep using 5p as a flaming Plectrum can I?) Weather - Sunny Mood: About Average Another day, another problem. My mum has been given another Credit Card and the wheelchair maintenance team cant see to her today. I really do Like him... that's what people say... its odd, I've never met him, but I would really like to someday (and yes he does exist before you ask) People think I'm kinda sad cos I have never seen the Matrix, but there is a reason for that, I have seen Ghost in the Shell, Mamoru Oshii's Animated film which allegedly Inspired the Matrix. So in a sense, I already have seen it, just not in a way you would have thought that's all... My sunglasses have been sent to me today! Otherwise I haven't been too happy today, I just cant face up to being a carer anymore. I never wanted to be one in the first place. Its like having to sacrifice your freedom and independence so someone else can have it. only its not by choice. I want my mum to be free and independent, its just that it has a high cost to it. I'm happy without having to worry about that kinda thing on my back... without having to worry bout carers, without having to worry bout that kinda thing, though when I'm all alone, I get lonely, and To that special person, Daisukidaiyo... (Japanese for I really like you!...). Simon 14/06/2003 - Bimbo Boy Today's Chord: N/A Weather - Sunny Mood - Not Bad Today I got my sunglasses. I went out and everyone was staring at me, one woman started licking her lips at me... :S aaaaaaaaaaaanyyyyyway, I bought some Hair Bleach today and... Bleached my hair Blonde and kinda like it, just need darker skin now I guess, drunk 3 bottles of Smirnoff Ice, kinda feel ok today, I dont understand those carer's much still. Its hard to move on when they are just there all of the time I guess I moan a lot dont I? That's what this thing is for, for me to complain about stuff or just to go on bout what's bothering me, and get it out, oh and you nose through my daily life ^_^ I've been drinking today so dont expect much else to be written here. cya! Simon 15/06/2003 - Goodbye Dad Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunny Mood - Happy Today is fathers day, and my dad is dead, But its ok. I spent most of the day out in the sun, and my back is a bit sunburnt, but its should tan :) The carers have been saying "Doesn't Simon look nice Blonde?" Last night, I stood outside watching the night sky, thinking bout my dad, like which star is he, and that time when I saw this bloke who looked exactly like my dad, pushing this woman in a wheelchair... just like my dad used to with my mum. I dont understand this feeling I have about that moment... it felt as if I knew him, but I knew I didn't... he just smiled at me... I should have used sun block today... oh well... I will just continue to itch away... Simon 16/06/2003 - Pathetic... Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunny Mood - Bored Today started off fairly ok, typical Monday, at home, then my mum went to see my old GP. I wondered around being admired by Japanese students whom are still around... COOL! Been thinking 'bout him again, and then I just bought a battery charger, then spent the rest of the day outside, with the carers admiring my bum saying '"it looks as if that bum is begging to be slapped...! quite scary actually! (although I know someone whom is quite welcome to spank me - provided they want to of course giggle Erm... what else?... People seem to like me being blonde... what do you think? Simon 18/06/2003 - Silence before the storm Today's Chord: None Weather - Cloudy Mood - Stylish I forgot to write an entry for yesterday, oops! Not a lot happened yesterday either, very hum drum. Today I've just been running errands, He seems like a really nice guy to be around but as for being a potential boyfriend, as much as I would love that to be so, I'm not so sure that would happen unfortunately, but if it does, then Fantastic! if it doesn't, then I wont be too surprised, I guess that would be ok really. Maybe I oughta start learning Japanese some more, but I wonder if there is any point to it. After all, allot of stuff in Japan is in English these days anyway, well, at least instructions are. And English is very popular as a second language too. Simon 19/06/2003 - I hate you dad Today's Chord: A & C Weather - Cloudy Mood - Genki! Today I remembered why I hated my dad, I was watching Trisha earlier, and watching some dad yelling at her daughter saying she was evil... sounded exactly like my dad saying I was a spoilt twisted evil little brat, My response was always I hate you, I wish you were dead. Now I remember, I'm kinda glad... I dyed my hair Nuclear Red today. Greenpeace wont be happy about that will they? Also my hair smells quite sweet and sugary now... odd... like Almonds. My mum's care manager came around, and didn't say anything bad about me which was quite amazing really... I still dont like her much... Just been taking stupid pics of myself and that's about it really Simon 21/06/2003 - Fading Infatuation Today's Chord: A & D Weather - Sunny Mood - Normal Today I sorted out my fading red hair. Watered the Plants, stared at my crushes pics and ate food. I didn't write yesterday because I forgot, but yesterday was Hum n Drum too. My life is very very boring. Nothing to look forward to, I cant help but feel there is a gaping hole that needs filling. Simon 23/06/2003 - Arson Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunny Mood - Bored Today I noticed that the Citizens Advice Bureau was blocked off by Police tape. Turns out that an arson attack took place there last night. And generally crime has been up lately... Life is just so boring these days... Nothing else to write about Simon 24/06/2003 - Blue Skies Today's Chord: A Weather - Sunny Mood - Normal (Bored) Today I have been doing the usual hum n drum crap. Very tiring, not very entertaining, I dont like it really. Was considering becoming a Rent Boy, but what would that achieve? Nothing. Blue Skies, and a cat on heat. That's all folks Simon 25/06/2003 - Its oh so quiet... WAH BAM! Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunny Mood - Hopelessly Infatuated Well, last night was quite interesting... :) giggle It was nice... Today not a lot happened... got my Credit Card statement but will have to pay it at a later date, I have time, its only because I haven't been paid anything :S Not a lot else done today, but being infatuated is nice :) It's like having a Schoolboy crush that I never had at school... but I do still have the uniform ;) Simon 26/06/2003 - Sign here Please Today's Chord: None Weather - Cloudy (yet warm) Mood - Exhausted Well, today I went into the City Centre. I bought a Region Free DVD disc for my Playstation 2 then just wandered around the Docks. It was very warm today. Very warm. I feel quite tired and I got paid today! yay!. Also I had a lot of signing to do, the next person who asks me to sign something will be asked to sign my bum! tsk... Anyway, Just been feeling infatuated still... Simon 27/06/2003 - Tall Order Today's Chord: None Weather - Rain/Sunshine Mood - Flattered/Spooked My new boots arrived today! They make me a lot taller! Lots of people kept staring at me, saying "I wish I had boots like that" or "... Fucking Hell! HARDCORE!! or just eyeing me up! hehehe! One of my mum's Carers seems to know I'm Gay. And she is ok with it, everyone keeps telling me to get a Job, but I'm not well enough to work, haven't even got back on my feet entirely yet. My next door neighbour scares me... He started speaking to me, and got really close to my face, and he was saying things like I should get a job and that's all I ever hear...I REALLY AM LOOKING INTO IT! and will soon be getting in Contact with an IT training company about it. That's my plan of action, but right now I'm not well enough. Anyway, my next door neighbour kept moving round until he was right behind me... that was quite scary... I dont really like him much when he's been drinking... Simon 28/06/2003 - .... AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! Today's Chord: None Weather - Sunshine Mood - Depressed I got more boots today, people haven't really noticed, they're ok. I also bought a Laptop. Of course, now I'm tied down to repayments for the next 2 years... Laughs Manically I've not been feeling too good about myself, I realized that strength without love wont change anything, I've gradually been getting stronger, but I'm still unloved. I'm tired of all these solutions. That's all I ever get from the Internet! I just want to be loved, I still have the emotional pain, and I'm growing more and more bitter. I just want to be close to someone, but I cant... I just cant... because if I do, I will just lose that person, and it will all be over. I just cant chase people anymore... Simon 30/06/2003 - And that ladies and gentleman, was that... Today's Chord: None Weather - Storm Mood - Depressed Life is just so boring. I mean, I am nothing! HA! HAHAHAHA!!! Well, today I went out with my ahem mother (reversed role?) and I didn't feel to brilliant from the word go. I feel so lonely. I feel so hurt still. I feel as if I would work better without emotions. I feel as if I should be a robot. I've not long got back from spending 2 Hours just waiting for my mum in the heavy Rain waiting for my mum to get out of the clinic (I am here carer after all right?) but she went home. I was just standing there for 2 hours wondering why isn't she out yet? She had my umbrella so I walked home in the rain feeling pretty pissed off. I realised something today. I want a Boyfriend. One I love. One who love's me. Life would be easier, and happier. So that was June. This page will be replaced by July's Diary So watch this space and when it changes over to July, June's Diary will still be online, just moved into the Archive which will be found on the bottom of the Diary page. Thank You Simon