JULY 2003
01/07/2003 - Pinch Punch, Infatuation over, Depression Relapse imminent
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Dire
That's it! Show's over Ladies and Gentleman (and little pixies and Simon's Fantasy land) I am no longer Infatuated with someone. I guess its because he just isn't Interested in me. Only as a Friend, and that's just how I will have to take him right? Just a friend. I feel as if my Life is empty and meaningless again. It temporarily filled the holes in my empty life with a load of False hope and dreams for the future. Dreams I cant fulfil right now. The contents of a Persons heart shapes their appearance. I think the only thing I can do is just join some kinda dating agency when I feel I can move on a little further... so what will the day bring? (I have just woken up... I'm still alive... another horrible day awaits when I open that white door of emptiness...)
Things started off really bad, but gradually improved and now I'm ok, Maybe we will still be friends, but I doubt much else will happen other than that, but that's ok. I'll be fine. Still want a B/F though, and I'm not really expecting that from him, just thinking maybe if we become Boyfriends then great! but if we dont, that's fine. Simple. So, Simon is a Single 18 year old from Bristol in the UK & more details can be found here and you can get in touch here
Simon
02/07/2003 - Ya wanna kiss me?
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Lonely
Woken up in a better mood than of late, if not a little bitter *cackles*. Anyway, I joined an online dating agency because I was bored and I will have to see what that chucks up wont I? Didn't really sleep too well as is always the case and I feel weird.
I bought some St Johns Wort today in vain hope it would make me feel a bit happier. I also joined yet another online dating agency. I feel as if it is all incredibly vain and and pointless. I dont know if I will ever be able to entirely shake it off. I'm still damaged from the past, and I cant forget that. Simon's Online Diary - Self Help Hell!
Simon
03/07/2003 - Moon River
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - OK I guess
Today, Simon went on his travels! Today he adventured to Weston Super Mare! But you must tell your mummy children, otherwise the Police will hunt you down and gobble you up!
I took some Pictures with my Digital camera, got sand in my Eyes, walked around a lot, had some woman smile at me and went home... oh how so very dull and boring as usual... *sighs*
So check out the Photo Gallery for all the pics I took
Simon
04/07/2003 - Vibes
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - None too shabby
Barry White died today from a Kidney Failure!! And there was a security issue at Big Brother tonight.
Apart from that, Today has been spontaneous. I decided to go to Bristol and dye my hair Brown. I have also been dieting a little bit, its going ok, starting to get used to it. No particular diet, just making sure I only have 95g of Fat per day. I also wanted to go out tonight. I dont have any friends anymore because of my past, dont have a Boyfriend, so no reason for me to got out is there? On that note, about friends, I've been thinking about starting again! At long last some might say, I've been thinking about getting some more friends in my Life. TRUE FRIENDS! I still wanna go on a date with someone. I also wanted try out a club in Bristol called Vibes.
Well...
Simon
05/07/2003 - No Rain, cant get no Rainbow
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Tired
Sleepy Simon... *yawn*...
If life isn't shit, its boring is what I said to someone online today. Its like being a Big Brother contestant, even they have more fun I think! Today I just went through the shops. That's all. Silver... the worlds 3rd most precious metal, the Gold, the Platinum right?... see? Life is boring isn't it? I owe Money. My credit card is nearly maxed out thank you very much Match.com!
Ya know, I'm thinking about getting back with my Ex... He made life a little more interesting. Even if he did have bad taste in Clubs (Queens shilling is so awful! Vibes is much better!) But he bored me with Star Wars and other Sci Fi. Small amounts is fine but that was his major drive in Life.
Simon
06/07/2003 - Simon's Imaginary Boyfriend, Alex!
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy but then Sunny
Mood - Average yet Curious
I have a Boyfriend! His name is Alex, He has long flowing Blonde locks of Hair, Sparkling Blue eyes, Masculine face shape, a firm envious Body, a Heart of Gold, A personality to die for, he is Compassionate, Loving, Gentle, Romantic and in my Head. That's right, he doesn't exist! All in my head! born of Loneliness and possesses a fake Mind and a fake Soul! I am that Sorrow! HAHAHA!
I also returned my hair back to its former state. I hope someone will like me for it... Do I do this sort of thing just to get noticed? Could it be that I'm attention seeking without consciously knowing it or actively seeking attention? I dont know.
Why are older people so mundane? So deeply involved in the daily things that keep us all busy? I dont understand. Does the cloud of youth block my insight? I say cloud of youth cos being young isn't easy. Some people forget that.
Simon
07/07/2003 - Major Words, Minor Matters
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy Mostly but Sunny Evening
Mood - Alternating from Good to Bad
So this self help hell drags on. Relationship front I'm returning to normal, I'm starting to reinstate my cold philosophy that all you need is a Butt plug and Porn and that's about it, though I still like the warmth that a relationship can provide. Funny. I wonder if I could ever have a Boyfriend. 3 gorgeous guys who had great personalities kind of entered my life for a little while. Now, they are all gone, But Simon continues searching vainly.
Homecare are very angry over sheets of paper, some salesman QVC are absolutely amazed by foam & my mum is obsessed with tins! Do we get more mundane as we grow older and "wiser"? I hope not. I like a little depth. I'd like to get to know new friends, perhaps for the first time ever, I may have true friends! Maybe... I want to cuddle up to someone... too much to ask? (a question that is getting to be such a clich©...)
Simon
08/07/2003 - Condoms now available at checkout #2
Today's Chord: Ya got it, None
Weather - *sighs* Cloudy but humid... Will the sky ever improve?
Mood - Happy Happy Joy Joy
Remember those 3 gorgeous guys I was on about yesterday? One of them still speaks to me! yay!! Might be contributing to my happiness. Went shopping today and noticed amongst the Chewing gum and the sweets and the batteries, Condoms. Hurrrrr Why? Is there any point to it? does the manager of the store want blokes to buy them, stick em on the conveyor belt and say "wanna fuck darling?" to the poor checkout girl?
Its so warm today. But sometimes its sunny, most of the time it isn't. Maybe its because of the clouds creating a kind of greenhouse effect just like the planet Venus. Me getting all scientific there (apologies dear reader). I remember the days when being Gay was quite difficult for me. It was a secret I quite literally would've guarded with my Life. Now, I feel as if it is such a small part of me its not worth thinking about, Is it? All it means is I feel attracted to guys, stuff like pink fluffy handbags, acting and speaking effeminately, using posh stuff, being promiscuous, constantly going clubbing and dancing to Gloria Gaynor's I am what I am is called (repeat after me) Camp Behaviour Camp Behaviour *listens*... Good!
Off on my travels tomorrow. Going to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle and possible getting hold of a Gamecube Cheats system so I can progress further in the Legend of Zelda: the wind wanker (sorry, force of habit, not a Freudian slip)
Simon
09/07/2003 - Invitation
Today's Chord: Nada
Weather - Very warm and Sunny
Mood - Happy / Nervous
Well I woke up today and had an Invitation from one of my... NGIF (my new term for Nice Guy I Fancy). Its for his Birthday on the 24th of July. I keep wondering if I should go or not. Can I afford it? Can I put up with the excess drinking on a work night? Where am I gonna stay in London? How am I gonna get t London? am I just gonna get cold feet and run away like always? see, all these things running through my head! Panicky... I think that's the word I'm looking for... but I have another 2 weeks(ish) to decide...
and yeah, I went gallivanting off to the Cinema today, went to see Charlie's Angels, full throttle, quite good actually! if not a little camp. Now I'm starting to sound like a Film Critic aren't I? (Cor get a grip man! Slap Me) I got sweets in my bag! heehee! £65 pounds has been taken from my Bank Account, think its for my Laptop! Yay! Woo! Website updates from my Bed! HAHA!
Now I'm quite tired but I got to get some food! Damn! oh well, cya tomorrow readers for the next instalment of Simon's Online Diary! Cay then...
Simon
10/07/2003 - The Laptop, Money, The Networking Hell & the risk of Robbery
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Sunny & Very Warm again
Mood - Happy / Nervous
Today I was rudely awoken by Homecare as usual, but also the arrival of my Laptop. It's a little odd, seeming as it doesn't have the number pad I'm used to using, Plus being able to move around a little more freely is nice. Trying to get wired networking set up for now, but I plan on going wireless. I was asked how much my boots were in the street too... why? "Give em to me" was what I was ordered to do, of course, I wasn't gonna do that.
Anyway, Nothing much else going on really. My thoughts are on this party. I'm not sure if I have enough money, but I think I must have enough. kinda... I hope... the same questions keep flying through my head... any escape route available?
Simon
11/07/2003 - Oh Simon... you Idiot!
Today's Chord: Too Busy, None
Weather - Sunny and Warm
Mood - Stressed out, Scheming... but Drunk *giggle*
HELLO!! today I found out this damn thing (Laptop) actually has 2 USB ports! (Amongst other ports) all behind a little flap, so there was no real need for that damn router I cant use anyway! *hic* Anyway, now all I have to do is switch my ADSL Network Adapter from my Desktop to my Laptop! In fact, I updated the site using my Laptop! Aren't I a Clever little sausage? Oh wait... no I'm not am I? cos in today's caption its saying I'm an idiot ya see! *hic* I better leave this thing now, before I start cross dressing or something else that's very very silly... *Simon wets himself*
Simon
12/07/2003 - Hanging out in my own head
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Sunny and Warm
Mood - Negative is about the only way I can describe it right now...
Well, back to boredom so it seems. So the party, Don't think I'm gonna be going to it. I know I should but... is that the best way to meet him? I will just fall to pieces. I cant handle parties. I'm just not socially adept enough! So I may have to rather painfully pass. I still wanna make friends though. I wanna know what will happen. I guess if not many people are going, then I will join them. How about that? SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!
Here I am, sunbathing, writing to you on my laptop. My mum wants me to make sushi tomorrow. If the party stays small, I may go. But I doubt I will make much progress with the NGIF am I? Is it possible, will he notice me?
"Do you really really want to see a brighter day? then look this way at me! Or would you rather stay unhappy another day? then go ahead, not me" - Song lyrics written by Utada Hikaru. I would look in her direction... if ya catch my drift...
Simon
13/07/2003 - Broken House
Today's Chord: I daren't touch my Guitar today...
Weather - Sunny & Warm
Mood - Manic
Today, Everything has been breaking like nobody's business! The washing machine, Heating, Phone line, People, Washing line, Washing Line support pole thingy all had at least one problem! So I wouldn't wanna touch my Guitar, that might break too... Computers... I can fix, but they cant go wrong right now, both are running smoothly...
Party: I'm gonna go right now... but where am I gonna stay?... I've been dreaming of him too... Nice dreams... erotic dreams (but not wet)... I... wanna... ya know... ;)
Simon
14/07/2003 - Dirty Looks
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Sunny & Warm
Mood - Conscious of my Laptop Image
I got a message this morning from NGIF. He kept it short. Waking up early for me has its disadvantages... Longer agonising, more putting up with my mum's mundane wheelchair waltzing through life, extra homecare oogling over my fashion sense, Kilroy and other Daytime TV horrors, and Boring and Lonesome existence. Of course, the party could change that, but I don't have anywhere to stay, no meeting point has been set up and now venue has been set! So I don't have much to go on and therefore, perhaps wont go.
YAY! I GOT POST!
Later on, I went out and now I'm sunburnt! F*cking Moths... Itchy feet... I have had a lot of internet threads I started were resurrected from their lost ashes... Things got interesting, I want to meet people but I cant, I cant because of my anxiety disorder. It's just so annoying now, I cant go to big parties because I'm afraid to do so. *sighs*
Simon
16/07/2003 - One more Final: I don't need you father
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Go Go Go!
Today, my dad died from a heart attack triggered my an epileptic seizure. My dad was epileptic so the seizures were nothing new, but this one was fatal, he was 59. That was what I would have said on here 3 ears ago today. Toda is the third anniversary of m dad's death. I don't miss him because I realised I hated him. He hated me too. I know that because he never said anything good about me. So I wont be mourning his loss anymore, Instead, this is my mark of respect to him. I remembered it was today, so tonight, I'll have a drink in his memory. My father, the stubborn old fool.
Today I just went out and bought a Denim Jacket. Also been working on this website and am thinking of clearing out my room tomorrow, that isn't gonna be fun. My website is starting to sport a new look, I personally like it. The "Y" key on my laptop doesn't seem to be working right... damn!
Simon
15/07/2003 - Blast from the Past
Today's Chord: ... None
Weather - Sunny & even Warmer
Mood - *sigh* Depressed
Last night, my ex boyfriend spoke to me online. I think he may just wanna have sex with me, and I agreed! Why? Because I have nothing to do. I may start concentrating on playing my Guitar for a while, and then maybe learn to drive but right now I'm out of my depth really.
More of the bloody same today then I'll bet. And yes. It is the same old thing. Fortunately, Tomorrow is my day for doing whatever I like, It's also the third anniversary of my dad's death. I hated him. It's as simple as that really. The nicest way of marking my respect for him would be to just silently remember that its been three years since he departed us. How's that? I wont stop what I normally do because what is the point of doing so? The world wont stop for anyone, so I shall have to move along with it. I would like to make new friends, but my SAD makes it difficult to do so because I just have a panic attack, and don't turn up, if it was a 1-2-1 meeting then I could just about handle it, usually, when I started meeting people in the past, it turned out ok & it felt worth it. I stopped because my mum went overboard and called the police or threatened to kick me out, that or she would threaten my friends, another reason why I lost them all, now, she doesn't do that anymore. Why?
Simon
17/03/2003 - Mothers, travel agents of guilt trips
Today's Chord: too busy
Weather - Raining (though its refreshing)
Mood - Chuffed!
Hmm... Today I will clear out my room and start exercising using with the help of my Playstation 2(tm). In other words, dance like a drunken lunatic playing on Dancing Stage's Workout mode! cool idea huh? I got my proof of age ID card upgraded today, it now says I'm over 18! yay! Alcohol for everybody (18+)!!
I'm not so sure if I will be going to that party now. I want to meet him, but his offer of a weekend in London would be a batter way of meeting him I think. That will happen someday I hope. After all, I have SAD and that makes thing difficult, but 1-2-1 I've done before but my parents got in the way, and I am trying to lose this little stigma I caught in my adolescence about meeting people from the internet, but it can work out, if you take precautions its pretty safe. But I started meeting people at 14 (sometimes for sex) and I regret the purely for sex bit but the rest I feel uncomfortable about cos one time, my mum called the police and the entire neighbourhood was in my house waiting for me to come home and I started having panic attacks because I couldn't understand why they were doing it then the broke into my computer and then found porn and emails which is what the police would do normally I know but the police weren't doing it, it was my friend, she did it, and then some other kids started fucking around with my system (software and hardware was badly damaged) so I had no way of escaping. When I was 14, the Internet was my only emotional outlet and it still is, just that things are calmer these days. I was having major panic attacks and I couldn't seek help from the net, I was alone in that hostile situation and I wanted to die or just get out of it any way I possible could.
This place I live in is law abiding but legal rights are automatically surrendered here. My mum say's she wont let anyone push her around anymore and she has always said that, but she continues to let all that happen... which is why I hollowly support her, not whole heartedly. Not anymore...
Simon
18/07/2003 - Kids...
Today's Chord: None
Weather - Cloudy, Humid
Mood - Tired
Hmm... well I've lost a bit of weight (over half a stone) and bought a Dance mat for exercising, although I must have walked a good few miles today. I haven't slept much either, and I'm quite tired, so that's it for today.
Simon
20/07/2003 - Kokoro yo genshi ni modore /コ?コ?ロ?ヨ?ゲ?ン?シ?ニ?モ?ド?レ?
Today's Chord: Playing no chords like a pro!
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - GIMME A BREAK!
*throws himself back, stretching and letting out a big yawn* Sorry bout yesterday's missing entry, been a bit busy. Been doing some DIY involving Polyfilla-ing some holes and Painting my door... and uhh... speaking to people. yeah...
Simon
21/07/2003 - The Goat with a Fishes Tail
Today's Chord: A
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Resentful / Whimsical
Today my mum goes away for a week to respite, so I get a break... sort of, kids are home, I've got decorating to do so I doubt I will get much of a break. Today went fairly smoothly. I wont be going to that party. Just cant really make it, nowhere to stay, not enough cash, and I'm redecorating right now, though meeting him one day would be really cool. Also I've busted my back, its quite uncomfortable...
Where is my life going? I don't think I will do too well if I'm so emotionally frozen. I don't usually experience emotions in my heart. Just my head, therefore, making a state of mind, not emotion. I don't feel I can be friends with anyone. I have a dark side that I'm quite ashamed of, Vengeful, Bitter, Jealous and Resentful. I don't want to be any of those things, but in the depths of my heart, I can be like that. Killing a loathsome adversary of mine is about the only way I can deal with him... it's why I bought a gun a while back...
I find it a little offensive when people tell me to lose weight, and I have lost weight, but that's only because they have made me conscious of my body, therefore illustrating a negative body image. Well... that's more of a girly thing, isn't it?
Simon
22/07/2003 - May I cross the road please?
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - lost
Goodnight - Oyasumi Nasai - お?休?み?な?さ?い?
Simon
24/07/2003- Happy Birthday
Weather - Sunny
Mood - tired of a few things
First I want to say Happy Birthday to someone who I have been talking to online (if your reading this you know who you are) and have fun later!
Today I wont be visiting London because I just cant make it. He's a nice guy but he's too popular, I appreciate every message I get from him as if its the last, and I'm just gonna leave him to get on with it. If he wants to meet me or something, then that would be nice, but I don't know.
Been thinking of taking up surfing, but I would need to learn to drive first! my Guitar is getting quite boring, my Japanese seems futile, so they are going on hold... and I'm nervous about learning to drive because of what happened 8 years ago, wielding the power that could have killed me that day is still a little spooky and terrifying to be honest.
I have to rebuild my life now, but its a mammoth task ahead, and the damage here is just too much to repair
Simon
25/07/2003 - Am I worth something to someone?
Weather - Rain
Mood - Bored
Well, nothing has really happened today, other than discovering sleeping on the floor can be quite comfy! I want to be loved by someone, and everyone telling me to lose weight isn't helping, I HAVE GOT THE MESSAGE! And I am losing weight. I want a good looking guy in my life, that said, he doesn't need o be a model, just someone who I think is attractive, and not everyone generally agrees with my type. I like older guys because we think more alike, and I find them more inspiring, whereas I pity younger guys / guys my age. There's a few I like, but we are either not compatible, or we speak, but then we stop. And that's the end of that really. I've been told I'm good looking in the past quite a lot, but am I now? Not that it matters, its just to some, it does.
So... I have allowed myself to try to yearn closeness to another person again, the last time I allowed that to happen, I got hurt quite badly... I tried to make friends, and in my folly, I got hurt doing so. How could I have been so stupid? oh yeah, I was 5 years old.
Simon
27/07/2003 - Shop til ya drop
Weather - Sunny
Mood - Lonely / let down
So, today I went into the city centre, and bought lots of clothes :) this whole dieting is dragging me down, and having no friends within physical contact is rather depressing... I just don't think was ever destined to be liked, was I? I don't think so. Maybe the world is telling me to crawl into a little hole and just die, so I can stop getting in there way, maybe I'm like undiscovered treasure in my new Adult life. I don't feel like I mean anything to anyone. Will I ever make friends? Will I ever make new friends through the Internet? I used to be quite popular on there.
I've been comparing myself to other men, not because I find them attractive, but because I envy them... Jealousy... Implanted yearning is the only way I can describe such things.
Simon
28/07/2003 - He said "Let them come" as the demon's took him over
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - Conscious
My mum came home today, but I'm ok with it... no more breaks til September though... I suppose I look thinner, people seem to think I'm good looking!! *giggle* wow! that's amazing!! But this diet is still making me unhappy... and I slipped, I ate a pretty sizeable burger yesterday, over saturated in fat of course, and today, I bought a pot of peanut M&M's only because I like that shade of yellow haha!
So tomorrow is back to the usual routine is it?... ok :) I'm ready for it :) Let them come...
The penis... Male sex organ that drives men like me wild... but its only cartilage, just like your nose really...
Simon
29/07/2003 - 21st century boy with a 20th century mobile phone
Weather - Rain
Mood - Bubbly & Perky!
£22.80p! that's how much in loose coins I had lying around my room! lol! well, I have switched most of my computing over to the Desktop and will be writing August's diary entries from my Laptop. In other words, more frequent diary entries, as opposed to last week, when I simply didn't feel like firing up the desktop just for the diary! (sorry!)
Well, today it rained and rained and rained... so I went out to help my mum out with her bills, like I have to pay my bills tomorrow, but I am gonna use all that money I found to go to the cinema and buy some crap like I used to on a Saturday when I was 14. Though have changed since then.
I've also been considering learning to drive very soon! I need to really, If I want that IT career, and I will be able to go wherever I want, Whenever! I have to admit, that does have quite an strong appeal to it!
Simon
30/07/2003 - I spy with my little eye... a blue dragonfly!
Weather - Sunny / Cloudy
Mood - Average
Ever seen a blue Dragonfly? I did today. Kinda pretty!
went out, had a whim about wanting a Boyfriend again. Someone to cuddle up to on those cold night, someone to share my life with, someone to have fun with... oh yeah, I bought a hat too, also people think I look better now....... I don't know how to perceive that... I just don't feel happy about it... kinda resentful... and pissed off to think that my looks really matter that much...
Thanks though...
Simon
31/07/2003 - Funky
Weather - Cloudy
Mood - P*ssed off
Kids! can't they keep quiet? I went to the cinema again today to see a preview of Legally Blonde 2 (well, what I could see of it) and I bought the last ticket! HAHA! but I had to take the front seat, so couldn't really see.
I also bought a new Lambretta hat that cost me ALOT of money, so now I'm skint, the rest of my money is for Bill's mostly, and I couldn't get to the cash machine to see what's going on with regards to bank account activity because they were either out of service, or too busy, and I didn't have time to wait. I have to go out early tommorrow, and Homecare are probably complaining about me again, they always do. Hate em.
And that's that for July folks, cya in August!
Simon
