August




	AUGUST 2003 01/08/2003 - The bad guy Weather: Cloudy/Drizzle Today I am mostly: Drowning in my self doubt (a regular event) I wanna be the bad guy! I can't empathize with them, and I'm a fragile person. To empathize with the bad guy, I need to become him. To be less fragile and more powerful, I need to become the bad guy, they are always so confident & always dies in the end but its better to die in power, than to live despair. I'm the victim in all this, I keep wondering, Have I finally outrun my past? if so, will it catch up with me? I can only speculate. Simon 02/08/2003 - Pia Pia Piano! Piano! Piano! Pia Pia Piano! Pia Piano! Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Grouchy, which is kinda out of character for me Love is... destructive. Yet it can be an ark to save yourself from the vacuum that is reality. Reality can be painful, but its something you must learn to live with, and Love is that 4 letter word that can be the Morphine for life. I don't think I have ever been in Love, but I am just 18 years old. Never really had a crush either come to think of it. Summer. It's a bit manic really... everyone just goes out there and soaks up the rays as if the sun was gonna disappear forever the next day! They are only running the risk of risk skin cancer... TV looks bad tonight, and there isn't really anything entertaining for me to do either... guess I could just watch a DVD or something shrugs shoulders... any suggestions? Simon 03/08/2003 - Biscuit Bum? Is he?... Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Enraged by this town Today I seen my adversary pumping his arteries full of lard... which is actually quite gracious of him, he's carrying out my task of killing him for me! How nice!! Yesterday, an online friend of mine who I speak to regularly on MSN Instant Messenger asked me if I like living in Yate. The simple answer would be No. Why? because Yate is the generator of my misery and the egg of my adverse childhood I had to endure. Personally, I couldn't care less if this place was annihilated tomorrow morning, just as long as me and my mum are ok I guess... and all the stuff I haven't had insured, that's all I need, more bills! I MUST leave this place. For good. I can't come back, it will be the death of me if I don't leave one day. I don't like the way people around here stare at you as if you are some weird hyperactive robot from Mars, what's that about!? And the way they are generally melodramatic to a fault... it really is quite a turn off. Simon 04/08/2003 - Simon & the Coconuts! BUY JAPANESE!! Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Sweating and throwing Lavender oil everywhere like some kinda voodoo ritual All of you! Dance! LIKE YOU WANT TO WIN!!! Today I bumped into an old face and wondered if I should get a EMS Toner. I bought one and am now regretting it but hey ho hum... I guess it may work if I continue to try and lose weight, which I've lost a lot of, and I'm not expecting to get great big muscles or anything, that would be kinda gross really! Also had an interesting time in boots, spraying my mum in shower gel, and getting fired back at, lol! Simon 05/08/2003 - People Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Rattled by Nightmares, now unsure how to perceive them What a bad night's sleep I had! Lavender doesn't help ya know... Been having nightmares, about someone who I dislike very much indeed which invoked my fires of rage towards "it" which still silently burn. Also been having another which was like being in a popular goofy comical film which made me feel quite frustrated about life in general. School in the past was unnecessarily tedious, home life is quite annoying because I have more depth and insight than my mum and the way she doesn't understand what I'm saying and her choice of words are often very strange. Just because I am the "Man of the house" means I'm responsible for everything. I never want to go back on medication, it's horrible. I want to have a relatively painless relation with someone... Simon 06/08/2003 - What is it? (BD) Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Troubled by a nagging question and a long running solution Ok, last night I had a better night's sleep :) it was a bit warm though. Looks as if I'm off out to buy crap and pay money into banks and replace those scales, I dont believe that I am now 11st 7lbs in weight, so I'm buying some new ones that won't lie to me. So, looks at his boots are ya ready boots? staaaaart walking! Not so happy now... I want to know why you all hate me with a vengence!? I have spent years trying to work it out! what is it? WHAT HAVE I DONE!? Why do they hate me so much? I can't hold down any kind of professional or personal relationship with anyone, because they all end up highly disliking me all of a sudden, so I went into hiding, and started to emerge... but I remembered something... That's why I went into hiding, you can't stand me because your all so fucked up with your strange problem with me! *YOUR ALL PATHETIC!* That said, some of you are not. My friendliness and generosity is a severe weakness I have. All the above was a message to those who give me dirty stares or people who I kinda knew but disliked me, people like my old dentist, all but one of my now nullified friends, the general public who sneer at me as I walk by... they're al out there somewhere, the Internet is out there everywhere. Simon 07/08/2003 - Financial Issues (OOH BARRACUDA!) Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Jamming on my Guitar So, what will today bring for me? So far, a financial mess is in store. I need to start saving money again. I still need to network these systems, and buy a comfortable pair of shoes/trainers/"sneakers" but cant right now. haha! Still want to have a relationship with someone. I still want to meet new people. I still have issues witht he past, but I can let go of that, once I have physically left this place, I can honestly say that it's over, and it's all in the past, lets leave it there. Not a lot else to write about today. Simon 08/08/2003 - Meet my new friend, Alcohol! (BD) Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: being subjected to emotional and mental torture AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH That pattern of good day/bad day is here again. It only happens during school holiday's! Why? because that human lump of lard, Barry Dyer, the one who has cursed me with fear for perhaps the next decade or so more, has struck again! Why won't he leave me alone? Why can't I live a more peaceful happy life now? It's because I'm not allowed. I talk about my feeling online, but what us is it? all I get told is self-pity is really unattractive, but it's not me I pity, it's the people of the past. They have no emotion, no life, no soul. So I'm gonna go now, and drown my sorrows as they say and my "self pity". Infact, Why do I have internet access? it's only tearing me apart! Simon 09/08/2003 - Its fun to stay at the YMCA! Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Walking and Walking and Waling and Walking... Well, today wasn't as bad as yesterday, I made it through today without many problems! My past left me alone Today! Ok, so some kid crashed into my leg on his back and went over his handlebars, and now my leg is bruised (but not that badly) he got up and rubbed his head, apologising... kinda comical really! I have also set 2 goals for myself to be achieved by summer 2004 - Lose weight and get toned up and learn to drive. So I'm beginning to make my moves to steer things in the right direction at last... If you want to get drunk, don't drink Vodka! Doesn't work... Simon 10/082003 - I'm terribly drunk!! Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: ya know... drunk! slap's his thigh ya know, I am so drunk! laughs manically I can't really type so, I'm just gonna say that I made it through today too ok? Simon 11/08/2003 - Human Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Making spelling mistakes yawn I ate an entire Swiss roll today. That and my mum is driving me bonkers again. There isn't that much going on in my life right now, so I'm gonna leave it at that and say bye for now... I wanna snuggle up with someone!! throws temper tantrum armed with a hammer Simon 14/08/2003 - No sex please, I'm paranoid Weather: Sunny Today I am mostly: Had enough Sorry for the lack of updates, not much to say anyway. I have been in contact with BSM and Sky Digital. I'm gonna subscribe. I also don't think much about people wanting me for sex, I feel as if that is all I am wanted for. Also gone blonde again. Simon 17/08/2003 -The Financial Tether Weather: Sunny/Cloudy Today I am mostly: Worried Another lack, Another apology. I haven't had a smooth time financially, I guess adulthood has finally begun. I don't like the idea of being used for sex. It's fine, just as long as there is an emotional connection, but if there isn't, then I feel used and depressed about it. I want to be wanted for me... Why doesn't anyone just want me as a friend or a boyfriend? I guess the above sounds stupid n whiney really, but isn't that what this thing is for? well at least this "Summer Holiday" thingy is nearly through, papa needs some new shoes...! that rhymes! Why do I do that!? 18/08/203 - Sonic the Hedgehog Weather: Cloudy/Sunny Today I am mostly: Chatty Damn! I lost an auction on eBay for 2 cuddly toys I wanted when I was 7. My parents looked everywhere but couldn't find Tails to go with Sonic back then. Then I found the 2 being auctioned off on eBay, but I couldn't afford it so I had to let it go... I also started smoking again! Bit of a weird day. Full of Piscean daydreaming... and an air of gloom, especially now the only good thing about being a kid is once again Incomplete. sigh :( Sayoonara, Sonic the Hedgehog... (sorry if that sounds sad but that's the onlt pleasnat thing from my childhood, the only thing that brought about nice feelings about nostalgia!) Simon 25/08/2003 – The ex factor Weather: Cloudy Today I am mostly: Uncomfortable Sorry for the lack, Well, what have I been up to? I have been in contact with my ex and he is still in love with me, as I thought. I have spent the weekend here despite a possible arrangement to meet somebody. We went to Alton Towers and I discovered something about myself though… I am an Adrenaline Junkie! I loved going on the more thrilling rides such as Nemesis and Air. I also went on the Black Hole and am tempted to try out Oblivion… hey, I quite like it! Simon 28/08/2003 - Mooky Weather: Cloudy Today I am mostly: Fatigued yawn... went to the cinema, exchanged text messages from my mobile to an online friend and worked on this really. Not much else to say other than I'm quite tired, I'll try to say more tomorrow Simon 29/08/2003 - Memories Weather: Sun - Cloud - Sun - Rain Today I am mostly: Whimsy I kinda want to have a relationship again... I mean, I do want to have friends, and I feel that a relationship will eventually come along, but I can't help but get these whims to be going to bed at night, snuggling up with someone who I feel warm about... and waking up next to them, someone who I can share my life with and that sorta thing... longing sigh I've been having some flashbacks of my intolerably humiliating schooldays. I wish none of it ever happened, maybe things could been different. That school is disgraceful and oughta be knocked down, I find some comfort in that there are a minority that agree with me... I mean not only did it look depressing, but the teachers enjoyed making me feel like shit. One was a dominatrix, one was like a ruler who seemed to have a mission to make us feel we weren't worthy, one was obsessed by money... Hate it! shudders Simon 30/08/2003 - Look, I wanted to go to Pizza Hut... This is Io, the third moon of Jupiter! Weather: Sunny and TOO COLD! Today I am mostly: Calamity Jane Well, at least Io kinda look's like a Pizza! Before my dear mother broke my broadband cable again, I was on Gaydar like a man who's drowning their sorrows in a smoky bar in a 50's B&W movie... "hit me again Sam". Then about 3 guys started chatting to me, speed date style, all asking where exactly do I live, then came the cattle market feeling... that's the thing with the Internet... can't detect emotions too well... Got rid of my old mobile for £21 and went out to Yate Shopping Centre, freezing cold of course, and slept til 10:30am all alone in my bed... sighs... getting all whimsy again... 31/08/2003 - Am I wasting my youth? Weather: Cloudy and still cold! Today I am mostly: Let down by fate... Why did I go back and see my ex? Because I thought maybe I could make a friend. He isn't a bad person, we broke up because I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out the kitchen. Now he thinks I'm more "sorted" now, and I guess I am really. I wouldn't get back in a relationship with him, because it would be too difficult again, and I don't think we can be friends, because he still wants more... That's it, _fin Also been having computer problems... My desktop is unusable, and my mum keeps breaking phone cables so I am going to have to set up a Wireless Broadband Router... and wipe my Desktop to annihilate the worm that festers within... And that folks, was August