January




	JANUARY 2005 01/01/2005 - New Years Day Weather: Cloudy/Windy Well, itâ€™s here! 2005 and V2.5 are here and for a lot of people itâ€™s a new beginning. 2005 is the year that sees the real Project Ronin getting started as well as me walking the earth for two decades (poor me... or you) and I shall be learning to Drive aswell as hopefully getting a Job. So Happy New Year everyone, hope itâ€™s the best one yet! Simon 02/01/2005 - Sunday Weather: Sunny I got up quite late but in a good mood at least. So I am missing some things about 2004 but I can at least do it all again this year canâ€™t I? (Well, some of it... I guess I miss Tomo because I enjoyed myself hanging out in London doing Japanese stuff!) I havenâ€™t been upto much but then again I think everyone is shattered so Itâ€™s only normal! But yeah... I have survived another year! Not much else for me to write about. Other than I missed Nichola online but I was busy making Turkey! Simon 03/01/2005 - Bank Holiday Monday Weather: Cloudy/Sunny Bonjour Cyber Catâ€™s! Iâ€™m still exhausted but managed to go out and try something called walking. Walking isnâ€™t bad... but Iâ€™ve been doing it long enough and hopefully my days of needing to walk everywhere are numbered! Turns out that I was paid on New Years Eve which I really was not expecting, so now I gotta work out how much my bills are gonna cost me this post festive financial nightmare otherwise known as January. I was also oblivious to the fact that today is Bank Holiday Monday, but then itâ€™s been a tough couple of weeks for me, very exhausting for someone who doesenâ€™t harness a lot of energy right now... still My mum is off on respite tomorrow and I intend to spend the week chilling at home so that I can move forwards onto some new challenges & finish off some old ones. Nick kinda went AWOL and had me and trish worried but everything is fine now. Did you know that if you put a sum or an equation like â€œXXX cm in feetâ€ (XXX replaced with any 3 numbers) it will become a calculator? I just discovered that by accident! Simon 04/01/2005 - Tuesday Weather: Cloudy/Rain Finally! Things are beginning to resume to some normality and the Festive celebration have come to a virtual end! So, what have I been upto? Not that much... Sky doesenâ€™t work anymore so Iâ€™ve started my move to Freeview/TopUp TV sooner by borrowing my mumâ€™s TUTV Card (sheâ€™s in Respite now) and I think I can live with it. Iâ€™m home alone and am I gonna throw any parties? Of course not! Everyone is too exhausted from Christmas! I have also been looking at Hotels in Japan because as most of you know, I really really wanna go there someday... Everyone says itâ€™s a fantastic country so Iâ€™m looking forward to going there one day! If youâ€™re wondering why I havenâ€™t said anything about the Asian Tsunami, itâ€™s because I never think of it when writing in my Journal but I have noticed and I will be donating tomorrow as I should be able to afford to pledge some money then... Iâ€™m gonna finish saving for my driving tuition next month! YAY!! Simon 05/01/2004 - Wednesday Weather: Cloudy/Rain Ok, everyone is going on at me about getting my health (which is pretty ok right now) sorted out and even my ex is STILL going on about it... sometimes ignorance can actually be bliss but Iâ€™ll do it to shut people up. That said, I do appreciate peoples concern about me and yeah, it does how they care but Iâ€™m also petrified of going through what I went through a couple of years ago all over again aswell as the results of an STI checkup and having teeth pulled out of my mouth by a dentist (stressed out wannabe psychologists) and having to see a GP (whom are just a load of bullies) and a psychiatrist (back stabbers). No, I donâ€™t think much of them. This all started off with a conversation about Toothpaste but I guess I had it coming... Simon 06/01/2005 - Thursday Weather: Cloudy I did have plans for tonight but Nichola is in a really bad situation, her son has been in a sense abducted by his father and there gonna have some kinda meeting about it tonight but I doubt Nick will be able to come round tonight so my plans have been thrown out the window also I donâ€™t feel energetic enough to go ahead with plans for Saturday so I doubt I will be doing anything at all on Saturday which is what I need. I simply am not going to be able to clear out my Garage on this Saturday but Iâ€™m not in any hurry at the moment. So Iâ€™m just gonna tidy up the place in the vain hope that Nick does come round and order Chinese and have a night in alone I guess... Once upon a time I was quite content with that kinda plan but... Iâ€™m not anymore... Simon 07/01/2005 - Wednesday Weather: Sunny/Cloudy Well, my plans for last night went ahead as planned and I guess my plans for my garage clearout are back on too. Last night was really good, I enjoyed it a lot and I didnâ€™t get drunk! (Ok, I was drinking but I was still 95% sober) So... today I got up really late which kinda concerns me because I should be waking up earlier than midday but thatâ€™s me... irregular sleep patterns all round. And because I woke up late I didnâ€™t really get a helluva lot done but then Iâ€™m kinda on holiday from being a carer so why not? Still, itâ€™s nice to have good friends as Iâ€™m sure youâ€™ll all agree right? I just hope that people consider me to be a good friend to them... Simon 11/01/2005 - Tuesday Weather: Rain I got the garage cleared out with thanks to my friends but I went out last night after a bit of indecision, I decided to go out on what was to be a rather ill fated night... the least of the problems occurred when Mikeâ€™s date didnâ€™t show up which for Mike I think was disappointing. Then trish got stoned on Poppers & Cannabis which seriously disgusted me, and Nickâ€™s drink was apparently spiked... he woke up with a really bad hangover but that couldnâ€™t have been possible... he didnâ€™t drink any alcohol! At the end of the night I was really really furious because I felt like I was being treated like a little kid because I wanted some independence and make my own way home but I couldnâ€™t and I was really really upset... I still am... I wish I never went out last night. Simon 12/01/2005 - Wednesday Weather: Sunny Seems thing are quite rocky for Nick & Trish. Trish is going back to Ireland for a while... I just have a sense of sadness about their marriage... but like they say, these things happen in life. Iâ€™m gonna stand by Nick like friends do and be there for him when he needs me as Iâ€™m sure he would do the same for me. But yeah... Monday was really bad... Iâ€™m not sure how trish is, Nick was feeling bad yesterday, Mike is feeling rough & Iâ€™m probably the only one who has recovered the quickest and Iâ€™ve somewhat forgot to think of how I am lately but Iâ€™m doing ok... just caught up in other peoples problems which I think I need to back out of as I have things to do too... but like I said, Iâ€™m still gonna be there, and it may help because I can be there to listen to people instead and not being involved may help those involved in problems... Simon 13/01/2005 - Thursday Weather: Sunny Iâ€™m not good... I donâ€™t have very good mental health... and I need to do something about it soon. I now accept that I have anger issues and I donâ€™t allow myself to feel angry or embarrassed or ashamed... and these destructive patterns are doing just that - destroying me! Nick didnâ€™t talk to me last night... and that made me feel really bad. Trish is going home to Ireland and I wanna go back to London for a day to find out what happened to my feel good factor... My new Mattress is coming on Monday and my new bed should be following it. Also my application for a Virgin Credit Card has been approved with my balance from my Capital One card transferred with 0% interest for 9 months on the transfer. But... Why do I feel like Iâ€™ve lost a potentially good friend? Simon 14/01/2005 - Friday Weather: Sunny I spoke to Nick last night, but I didnâ€™t speak to him for long. I also spoke to Mike & Nichola which eased my mind cos we were chatting about stuff in general and it was light hearted. Simonâ€™s Website is popular for being brutally honest... and true to itâ€™s tradition, Iâ€™m going to be honest and say what my real reasons are for being so stressed out... Firstly, I feel guilty for tearing Trish & Nick apart although I know full well that Iâ€™m not at fault here, but I have felt this way since Christmas and to be honest, that feeling will never ever go away!! Secondly, I have concerns for my future. As you may well know, I have been saving up for driving lessons and I have only small doubt that I will make it... as my carers allowance is on the brink of being stopped... but the other problem is Nick is supposedly going to assist me in learning to drive... however, I feel that this is at threat by the problems Nick is facing. I higly doubt it will blow over in time because these things never do now do they? And perhaps more selfishly... I doubt Iâ€™m gonna have a good birthday either. So I can get that dream out of my head. Anyway, that out of the way, Iâ€™m gonna change the subject. I have been thinking about Ayumi Hamasakiâ€™s new album - My Story. I have heard the singles on them and I think I may actually like this Album. To be honest, the only thing I liked about ther previous album (Rainbow) is the cover art. The music is relatively indie/rock stuff which is ok but itâ€™s like Ayu taking on Bonnie Pink. This time round, it seems My Story is more varied and classy. I really do think Nick is in a bad way... I feel helpless I guess... But... there ya go. UPDATENick is talking to me again... And trish is still around. I feel as if a burden has been lifted, and relief just feels so amazing!... I am just really happy that things are returning to a sense of normality. Me and Trish have agreed that clubbing is something that we will take a break from, and it may not happen again until my birthday which is absolutely fine. Also it looks like I will be going to the Theater which sounds nice! Trish is going to be moving out and I think sheâ€™s afraid Iâ€™m going to ditch her as a friend but that is certainly NOT the case! I can totally understand what she means... and perhaps we should meet up for a drink because I do feel as if I have been left out... and I do want to know whatâ€™s been going on as Iâ€™ve been feeling lost and neglected. Thanks for all the support everyone else has been giving me for this past week from Hell! Simon 15/01/2005 - Saturday Weather: Rain Well, shame I was drunk last night as I can only partially remember what was going on... but it seems me and Nick are talking again like we used to and Trish is still in England so I look forward to seeing them both again. I do remember Trish saying going to the theater some time which Iâ€™m quite looking forward to and Nick has been asked to coach some cricket team (he used to play cricket). Good for him. My mums friend came round today and sheâ€™s been doing her usual headless chicken shopping endurance run but she DID NOT bring her electric wheelchair... so I had to push her everywhere and Iâ€™m exhausted... Anyway, I picked up a killer bargain in the shops, I bought a really nice blazer that was Â£60... but I got it for a tenner!! Also I bought a weird kinda park ranger shirt which is kinda kooky but cool. But yeah... Iâ€™m much happier bunny than I was! Simon 16/01/2005 - Sunday Weather: Sunny/Cloudy Iâ€™ve changed my hotmail address I use to sign into MSN Messenger. Hopefully you all have my new address. I have been thinking about how I feel about Nick... and I think I need to find a way to downgrade my feelings for him... I just need something he canâ€™t give me but at the same time... I really donâ€™t want to let go of him... and thatâ€™s what I need... someone I donâ€™t have to let go of because they can be with me a lot... and my needs are just ever growing... but Iâ€™m not exactly someone who can offer anything ion return right now and I guess Iâ€™m aiming for the â€œexpensiveâ€ package as Iâ€™m starting to believe that love is lifes reward for hardship... maybe. Simon 17/01/2005 - Monday Weather: Rain I had Nick here last night. We were talking about various things that have been going on and it seems that it was a war zone...Â but I have helped Nick in a very different way. But there ya go. Itâ€™s a new week and I shall be going to see Closer on Wednesday and perhaps some sales shopping too. I havenâ€™t done a helluva lot today. Got my mattress and stayed in to play word search games on my PC.Â Boring? Kinda. Simon 18/01/2005 - Tuesday Weather: Sunny Thank Goodness Iâ€™m going out tomorrow! I can get away from here for a day! I was kinda naughty and bough some cigarettes but got asked for ID even though Iâ€™m nearly 20... I was kinda hoping she felt stupid for asking cos the stupid moo deserves it. Then I went to pay a bill at my bank and they questioned whether or not I am a customer an then Trish goes ahead and books an appointment and tellâ€™s me what Iâ€™m doing... all of which I am NOT happy about! Been a irritating day for me.... I just feel as if nobody believes me... which makes ya feel like â€œwhy even bother?â€... I really donâ€™t know why I bother... I just feel like nothing is worth the effort and other people should suffer from my anger because Iâ€™ve got plenty to go round! Anyway, Iâ€™m off to the cinema tomorrow to see Closer. Shall tell ya what itâ€™s like. Simon 19/01/2005 - Wednesday Weather: Cloudy I am exhausted. I went to see closer but I donâ€™t know what to make of the film. One comment I overheard was â€œIâ€™m glad Iâ€™m not as fucked up as that!â€ Well, yeah, the characters did seem in a bit of a mess, but entangled relationships really do happen. Afterwards I went shopping in the sales and saved about Â£115! Also I took some passport type photos for my Provisional Driving License Which I shall be applying for. But I am knackered. So Iâ€™m gonna leave it at that. Simon 20/01/2005 - Thursday Weather: Cloudy Not much to say about today. Just been out doing some grocery shopping & cleaning my room/bathroom. I would like to put some more oriental wall scrolls up on the walls and try & give my room a more Japanese feel. I also downloaded Sonic CD for the Sega Mega CD off the net and emulated it on my system. Was kinda fun and nostalgic of spending a couple of hours in the afternoon with Gemmaâ€™s Dad... he had all the games consoles and played on them all day... even had a few rare games and always kept them in perfect condition... days gone by eh? I also seen Gemmaâ€™s Mum today, she just walked past me saying â€œHi Simonâ€ in a nervous fashion like she always does. So that is virtually my day. Simon 21/01/2005 - Friday Weather: Cloudy My My My... I didnâ€™t plan that one! I was invited out by Trish last night and we went to the pub where her son Graham works. I got rather hammered and I canâ€™t remember too much about last night... Iâ€™m gonna have to ask questions like â€œwhat did I do exactly?â€. Anyway, I was throwing up about 7 times last night so I found out... and I have been having some moments where Iâ€™ve been feeling a little ill. So there ya go... I had a vision of my as a driver, walking away from a completed Job Interview and walking back to my car... not to the Bus Stop! And it felt great!... Shame it was just a fantasy... I guess Iâ€™ve bizarrely fallen for Nick even though he is a bit too old for me... but it is a sort of... â€œPollyfilla for the Heartâ€... I do genuinely love him but itâ€™s the kinda love you have for a friend... He knows Iâ€™m gonna find someone and itâ€™s gonna hurt him... but itâ€™s gonna hurt me too... Directly, not just because I care about him and seeing him down/hurt does the same for me too... Other the that, not a helluva lot going on today. Simon 22/01/2005 - Saturday Weather: Rain My mum's friend is here today and we went to the shops. I had to push her again and it doesen't look as if she will ever turn up in her electric wheelchair. So I had to push her around in the rain and I got soaked. Also I got left behind in a cafe when my mum and her friend left without me as if I wasn't there! I found that rather rude and it made me feel like I'm not appreciated or respected... very disenchanting and it's only supporting my thoughts about ditching my carer role. My mum bought some cheese puffs and pointed out hw the design on the pack kinda looked like male genitalia which was quite funny. Nick was getting drunk last night... I wonder if it has anything to do with the first anniversary of his mothers death... If so, Then I'm there as always. Not that it means much... nobody is talking to me again... I just feel so bored... and alone. Simon 23/01/2005 - Sunday Weather: Sunny Sunny Sunday... I think things are ok. Haven't spoken to anybody today so far. Mum's been making an apple crumble and the results could be disastrous but I hope not! I'm ok... just bored. It seems people are having a bit of a hard time at the moment, and I feel a little caught up in it, but it's a storm I'm just going to have to ride out. I just hope things get better for the rest of 2005. Some good news though, my new bed arrives tomorrow but it could be a nightmare, me & DIY tasks never go according to plan! Soon I will have finished saving up for my driving lessons... and that will wrap up Chapter Zero of Project Ronin. Simon 24/01/2005 - Monday Weather: Sunny/Cloudy Today has been very cold and busy too! I got my new bed today but the quality of it isn't very high... the slats are made from plywood which isn't all that strong, the holes to secure them to the frame are out of line and the screws are too big, causing the wood to split... I know all this because my mum had to call out a technician for her own bed, and he took a look at mine and helped me to fix it up. He tried to do it but he slammed the quality of it and was outraged by the service I got. To be honest, I'm not too impressed either... it's a nice bed, descent mattress but bad slats... they probably won't stand upto much for too long. But I am exhausted and I even had to rearrange my room because the bed was half an inch too big so I've had a bit of a nightmare today! Simon 25/01/2005 - Tuesday Weather: Cloudy Another journal entry for my poxy little website... I have been quite cranky all day, the stress of wanting to do one thing whilst my mum wants me to do another is quite irritating... I have also had a vague conversation with Trish and now she's gone offline. And so has Nick (if it was him). So here I am, alone, bored and stressed out all at the same time. I am meant to be spending an evening with Nick tomorrow night but I'm not holding out much hope once again... I'm just very stressed out and feeling as if I don't have any friends around me! I need some pain killers and a booze up. Also everything I try to do just won't work!!! But, at least one thing went right today... I took an online Mock Driving Theory test tonight and PASSED!!! I got 31 questions correct out of 35 which would qualify for a pass so I guess it's a good indication... I want to go to Burger King and get one of those cheesy crowns that kids wear and drive round as the King of the Road now! Simon 26/01/2005 - Wednesday Weather: Sunny Just as I suspected, my plans for tonight have been canceled. Trish has gone away somewhere and I don't care. I'm getting used to my friends not being around... I miss them, but I just want some kind of security. I'm losing my dreams, I'm losing my friends, I'm losing my hope. My advice is to not wish upon a star because it never comes true, smash up an Mystic 8 Ball cos they are a load of crap and don't dream. Things are bad and I'm in a mess too... I don't think I'm going to have a nice Birthday, it's still a little while off but I'm not looking forward to it... I'm not sure I want to go clubbing on my birthday... I'm not sure what I want to do. I also don't believe Nick will help me with learning to drive because he can't... and I can't rely on my friends... I wish I could. As bitter as this makes me feel, I'm still gonna be there for Nick... but I just feel as if perhaps he's got my expectations too high. Simon 27/01/2005 - Thursday Weather: Cloudy It's possible that Nick might by stopping by for an evening of eating, chilling & boozing, but I'm not counting on it! Otherwise a relatively uneventful day which I kinda need. I have just been playing scenarios in my head of learning to drive and passing my test and making it reality... it just feels so amazing that I can be driving a car in the not too distant future! I'm also committing myself fully to this so there isn't much point in me doing anything long term that requires my full commitment until I'm a driver and then I can take on the next thing with my commitment to that, whatever it maybe! I also got my Virgin Credit Card yesterday and my first statement today - I need to make a minimum payment of Â£5.00 - and that's all there asking, but I will pay more than that to take advantage of my 0% interest thing. Simon 28/01/2005 - Friday Weather: Sunny You are reading reading my Journal. Well Done. Last night was good, Nick came round and we just listened to music and chatted about Driving, Astrology, Beds, Money & Interior Design (I'm so cultured ain't I?). On the subject of driving, Nick asked when I will apply for my provisional license and funnily enough, what did I get in the post this morning? My Provisional License... application form. Sorry to lead you into thinking I had the real thing there. I have really bad breath right now... but at least my mum's friend isn't coming round tomorrow! Well, I hope not anyway. I had a surprise sprung on me when Trish & Nick were here... but it was a pleasant surprise :) I'm going out tomorrow night with them and I had a difficult driving lesson with Nick, Nick wasn't being difficult, just me taking on not just using the foot pedals but also using the hand brake which isn't easy... but I did ok. Simon 29/01/2005 - Saturday Weather: Cloudy My mum's friend isn't here! Hoorah!! I woke up in a romantic mood... desiring to have a solid relationship... I took a kind of love test and discovered that I am a "Traditional Romantic Male" - an apparently rare breed that just get snapped up like hotcakes... so why am I single? I guess my attitude towards being a singleton is changing. This time last year I wasn't inclined one way or the other, then I never wanted another boyfriend (still apprehensive about it) and I now... don't wanna be single either... I'm meant to be going out tonight and to be honest, I'm not overly looking forward to it. Shall tell ya how it goes. Also, Gary say's he will come to my birthday party! He may bring his B/F which is fine :) I'm looking forward to meeting him so much now it's made my birthday! Simon 30/01/2005 - Sunday Weather: Cloudy Last night was terrible and the last time I will go to Vibes. I ended up getting raped (in a sense) as I was just grabbed by some guy when I only went to the toilet. I did not give consent... I didn't want to do that and I feel like shit. Trish assumed that I wanted to do that and it was consensual which it wasn't. And then she got really pissed with me telling me how disgusting I am... like I needed to hear that... Everyone hates me. I know Nick hates me too... which is what's killing me. That and nobody knows the truth about what's happened to me. It would just seem that my birthday is canceled and I think it's a wise decision....... at one point last night I was hurt and disappointed... Nick hugged me... at one point last night I revealed how Care Worn I am... Nick understood me.... at one point last night I was angry about being a carer... everyone noticed... at one point last night discovered something really beautiful about mankind which has moved me to tears... I discovered that people care... but if you be yourself and yes, I made a mistake last night... then people hate you... and then you lose everything I just said... but I now know that people genuinely care when you reach out for help... and that has taken me years to discover... when Nick hugged me when I was disappointed it was just over a little thing... and sometimes that is what seems to bother me really badly... it's often over something really simple... but it's taken me a long time to discover that it's ok to feel disappointed, it's ok to want affection to solve it... I'm just so stupid. Simon 31/01/2005 - Monday Weather: Cloudy/Sunny Well how about that? The Nintendo DS launches here on the 11th of March... which is also my Birthday! I might treat myself to it. I'm still feeling pretty fucked up and have decided that I will take a break from Nick & Trish and the rest of the gang until I can get some kind of external support going. I'm just really hurt by them cos they assumed that I had wanted to do what I did when I didn't consent... I'm gonna write an "agony aunt" style letter appealing for advice on what I should do... I don't feel they've failed me as a friend, but I feel as if Unjustified by the way I was treated. So I'm taking a break from them. My website shall continue to be updated. January has been a tough month as you can see. A rocky start followed by my most recent decision... as for my birthday, my plans are on Hiatus until I think of a way to spend it. Here comes the end of Project Ronin: Chapter Zero... Simon