FEBRUARY 2005
01/02/2005 - Tuesday
Weather: Cloudy
Another one of those days where your head is all over the place, but at least I'm beginning to get better. I have been feeling unwell but Chapter Zero is officialy complete now. Getting a provisional driving license is actually a part of Chapter One, that is the only thing stopping Chapter 1 opening up, when I get it, and when it starts, I can then start Chapter 1. I haven't been as bad today as I have vowed never to go to Vibes ever again and I have also vowed to myself that I am going to get myself help, with just others supporting me when I need it, and I think I need it now but I'm too afraid to ask for help because it seems that people care about me but I just do not understand why... What have I done for them? I'm also finding it difficult because I feel as if people believe that I really intended to do what happened on Saturday Night... If they do then they can just stop thinking the know me cos they are proving that they have absoloutely no idea about who I am...
Simon
02/02/205 - Wednesday
Weather: Cloudy
Nick came round last night to support me and I'm slowly beginning to get back to a regular routine... slowly getting strong once again. I'm sticking to my guns about Vibes, I won't go there again because the incident has put me off and it's a bit of a pretentious place anyway. I just do not like it in there and I have a feeling that once again no one will care about my decision. I am just trying to let go. And not go back to the past. I just feel as if maybe people are trying to bend my personanlity the way they want it, and not the way I want it by giving me lectures about caring and friendship. Speaking of which, Nick has made me seriously consider doing an online course in Chapter 1. I'll do it after I have learned to drive as I think learning to drive will have the same effect as what Nick thinks doing some kind of course will have (breaking the negative thought cycle). I'm just not sure if I really was Raped... I can't remember much about it but what I can does make me feel sick... so does the Idea of consenting to what happened... I wouldn't consent cos it's gross. What's happened is really Sickening... yeah I'm angry with it... No I did not consent... yes I was drunk... No I don't want to go back there... and as for the people who honestly think that I really enjoy having sex in a toilet (and yes, I know a few of you do) I DO NOT!! GOT IT?!
Simon
03/02/2005 - Thursday
Weather: Rain
How am I? Not in the greatest of physical health but my mental health is slowly on the up... I'm beginning to put the incident behind me now and moving on but I am not terribly sure that I want to go clubbing cos it's getting a bit boring. Also there is a low chance that I will actually enjoy myself so... what's the point? And I'm sticking to that! If my friends wanna go clubbing then it's Bye Bye n cya laters! One problem though is that I'm a little stuck for ideas of what I could do instead... I might reconsider clubbing but it's finding a club I like, I don't feel safe at Vibes. As for Theatre, dunno what's happenning. Why am I focussing on my birthday so much? Cos it's all I got to look forward too... That and Ayumi Hamasaki's new Album, My Story, is winging it's way to me and it's the limited edition one, with the DVD included with making of videos and the Videos themselves on it. Also I have Pre Ordered my Nintendo DS.
Simon
04/02/2005 - Friday
Weather: Cloudy/Sunny
I believe that today is Rhys's 2nd Birthday today, if so then Happy Birthday Rhys! Today has been a day full of polution. My mum had her new carpet laid down and the gluey stuff he used has left a naseating fume behind. Otherwise I've just had anothe rather busy day. I have no Idea what to get my mum for her Birthday which is on the 20th. And tomorro Sandra comes round to drive me up the wall. I'm too tired to write much more.
Simon
05/02/2005 - Saturday
Weather: Cloudy
Sandra didn't bring her powered wheelchair so I now do not believe she ever will. The things that are causing me the most stress and grief are being a Carer: It's really difficult looking after my mum as I feel like a parent at the age of 19. Her finances are in an awful state and she seems reluctant to take action. I always feel stressed out about having to do really little tasks and having to make dinner for her and washing up because this place was adapted so that she could do these kind of things for herself and it feels like that's all I'm here for, I think I left home when I was 15, the day my dad died was the day my carer duties came into place. I feel like I'm under pressure from my friends as they are seperating and although my feelings of this being my fault, they claim to have taken me in as a member of there family and I can never rest from being something that I can't remember because my memory is failing a lot lately. That's another thing, I'm forgetting things easily. Also I feel paralyzed in conversation and although I may want to say something and add to a conversation, my mind goes blank. I feel so anxious to ask for something to the extent that I avoid to ask for help or assistance. Also the fact I was raped a week ago today had me in suh a bad state that my physical health has taken a turn for the worse and my mental health was shattered. I'm seeing a doctor on Monday. No Idea who it will be. I'm not sure I like this practice as I don't have a GP who can deal with me. However... there are 2 things I could do, either give up being a carer or/and leave home.
Simon
06/02/2005 - Sunday
Weather: Cloudy
Today I read an article in the Sunday Times Online. It was about a girl, growing upto be a woman who fights terrorists with Laughter. There is a part of this article that says she lost her father to Suicide... and that she continues to look for her father in other men. "As I grow older I look for him in other men. I feel betrayed by his sudden departure. His memory is the source of a vague uneasiness built of guilt and distrust, an anxiety I am learning to live with as I pursue the impossible quest of finding my father again in the men I meet." - Mariane Pearl. I can kind of relate to that and I guess that I am guilty of the same. I know that Nick is aware that I see a father figure in him because he sometimes refers to me as "my boy"... words I've never been reffered to before... not even by my own father who hasn't left much behind. Few Memories of any kind... sometimes I wonder if was the loss of memories I mourned. Observation over and I am considering giving up smoking because my health is beginning to suffer once again. My mum's birthday is about 2 weeks away now... No Idea what I will get her for her birthday but I'm thinking of taking her out to the Cinema then TGI Fridays like we usually do, just won't be doing that on my Birthday. And I am seeing the doctor tomporrow about getting some kind of help.
Simon
07/02/2005 - Monday
Weather: Sunny
Well I went to see the doctor this morning and he noticed that I was quite anxious. After giving him some details about me I told him that I was feeling "quite stressed" and he spotted anxiety. He then told me about Counselling and I told him about anger and being a carer. He's quite concerned about my carer role and the pressure it's putting me under. I may not seem to do that much but it does put me under pressure. He prescribed me Citalopam, an SSRI cos he thinks I may have depression (albeit not as bad as before) and it can aslo treat anxiety problems. He thinks that he maybe able to take care of it and Psychiatry isn't necessary at the moment. I will see him again in a months time. So there you have it. I'm getting help.
Simon
08/02/2005 - Shrove Tuesday
Weather: Sunny
Pancake's Consumed: 4
Such a nice sunny day today, It's pancake day, I received Ayumi Hamasaki's new Album (My Story) and I LOVE it!! And that god damned Provisional driving license application is on it's way. There ain't a lot else for me to do right now... I'm glad though, I like it that way. I got the other bits n pieces under control aswell. As for my mood... I'm alright, happy, relaxed, feeling alright at the moment. That said I woke up with a splitting headache and another minor nose bleed. So I might be learning to drive soon if the application is approved. My Story is an excellent album, it's just so funky! And rocky and new. Just new and something good!
Simon
09/02/2005 - Chinese New Year
Weather: Cloudy
Sun Nien Fai Lok! Xin nian yu nuai! (Cantonese & Manadarin respectively for “Happy New Year!”) Spent the afternoon with Nick at Bristol buying tickets for Starlight Express at the Bristol Hippodrome which I will be seeing on the evening of 17th of this month, then following that (18th) will be taking my mum out for her birthday. I also had a driving lesson with Nick and it was incredibly difficult. I just really struggled and realised that I have been so bogged down lately that I forgot what I was meant to be doing with my life at the moment! Starting to get back on track now and learning to drive is high priority. Also I am scraed to death about something... that Something is HIV. I probably don’t have it but I’m scraed that I may have it... I really need to talk to Nick about something. So there you go... my day in a nutshell, still, got Chinese food to look forward to.
Simon
10/02/2005 - Thursday
Weather: Cloudy/Drizzle
I started theday at 6:30 AM because I have had a sexual health screening today and so far so good... They think I will be ok. I still have to wait for my Syphilis, Hepatitis B & HIV results and will possibly be getting a Heppititis B immunisation jab. I even told my mum about the rape. And the screening and Nick is proud of me and everyone has been telling that I'm very brave. I guess I've shown strength and I'm proud of nick to brave the test also... made me feel as if I really am not alone in doing this and I know that I am never ever alone... I've had a long day.
Simon
11/02/2005 - Friday
Weather: Cloudy
Well, 1 month until I'm 20 and the worst years of my life are over. I spent the day in a romantic mood, buying Nick a Valentines card and writing a poem for him. My mum's social worker came here today also and I had the opportunity to have a carer's assessment but I can have one at any time... I will bare that in mind when I find work. Oer the past couple of days, I have become closer to Nick... and I was having a conversation with him while being completely sober... a small dream has come true... and Nick is kinda like my Valentine. He thought that because Scott gave me a rose when I was 17 I wouldn't have liked the Idea of getting one from him but truth be told, I really liked it when Nick gave me a rose... I just wish I still had that... I talked to Trish about the way she treated me on the night of the rape too and she sincerely apologised and I sincerely forgive her. I'm just glad that things are slowly improving. She also revealed that all Nick wanted to do that night was hold and cuddle me... when I discovered that, I had to fight back the tears because that was all I wanted... to feel... as if... I was safe. I know I was in danger and that the trip to the loo could have proved fatal because I begun to pass out because I couldn't breathe... luckily I didn't. I got out alive... but now I'm waiting for HIV results... but I am not alone anymore.
Simon
13/02/2005 - Sunday
Weather: Rain/Hail/Snow/Sunny
Freaky weather today. I thought I wrote an entry for yesterday... obviously I didn't. not much went on, had sandra round and it was the usual saturday thing. I haven't done a lot today, just eating, drinking, going to the loo, playing old sonic games and hacked sonic games and unfinished ones that were never released etc. I never get to chill out with Nick these days but it's ok. Kinda miss it but that's how things go. I have been taking citalopram for a week now and it's been alright, haven't had any side effects and I'm doing fine on it. Next week will be a busy one for me, I have to get my mum a birthday present, get test results, do financial stuff and see Starlight Express at the Bristol Hippodrome, aswell as take my mum out for her birthday a little in advance... so there ya go.
Simon
14/02/2005 - Valentines Day
Weather: Cloudy/Sunny
I got a rather unconventional Valentines Card in the post this morning from the DVLA. It's my 1st Provisional Driving License!! I have been rather giggly at it and I feel as though I have a lot of work to do now. I have a few forms from the DWP to fill in and get back to them. I haven't had a very exciting day, just wishing my Vaelentine was with me so we could just cuddle up together and feel as if nothing in the world could harm us. I also has an impulse to buy special edition chocolate such as Yorkie Blue Ice (minty one & I'm allowed it cos I ain't a girl), Kit Kat Blood Orange, Rolo Florida Orange, Aero Caramel & White Chcolate Twix... yeah I know... I always buy Junk. Not a helluva lot more I can say so I will say Happy Valentines Day everyone! Hope ya get to spend it with the one you love.
15/02/2005 - Tuesday
Weather: Sunny
I am really stressed out, it's frezing cold outside, I seem to be losing abilities I had and my mother has spent all her money which was went to last all week. I am also rather exhausted and very down. I just feel as if I should quit being a carer for my own sake. I just cannot go on like this. It's tearing me apart and I feel like I have lost my mum aswell as my dad. So I guess I'm kinda mourning the loss of my mother and my home and the happiness I should still have had. I have some happy memories though... the time I was in year one and I went home and had mint chocolate chip ice cream... the time I wanted a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy bear and one day my mum and dad surprised me before I went to bed and they gave me a Sonic the Hedgehog teddy bear... and I was really happy... I think I was 7 then. I have since been through hell and have made soo many fatal mistakes and I feel as if I continue to make these mistakes and I have had enough turbulence for one lifetime and it's like I have a vacant feeling inside of me most the time... neither happy or sad... not feeling anything. How much longer til things change?
Simon
16/02/2005 - Wednesday
Weather: Sunny
Well, I have had a rather busy day today. I went out and found out I wasn't paid again so I will have to chase them up about that. Then I went into town and bought my mum a Birthday present and found myself walking with police officers. I wasn't in trouble or anything, just crossing the road at the same time as them. Anyway, I bought my mum a 1950's Card which came with a CD with tracks from 1950 and facts about 1950. I also bought her Chinese Tower Windchimes for her birthday. I then had a cappuccino at Cafe Firenze and then reconfirmed I knew eher BSM was and found 3 potential venues for my Birthday Party: V-Shed (or Lloyds No1 Bar) Bar Room Bar (or BRB as iut's otherwise known) or maybe even Hard Rock Cafe. Anyway, V-Shed looks really funky so might go there. I also spoke to an old Friend online... that person was none other than Ned! He's getting a new car now that he's fully employed and he has a boyfriend now. So good for hm I say. I also discovered that me and Nick share the same Chinese Star Sign, we are both Oxen! Anyway, I gotta be up early for tomorrow to get my test results plus I'm seeing Starlight Express tomorrow so may not be an entry for tomorrow but I'll try.
Simon
17/02/2005 - Thursday
Weather: Sunny/Cloudy
Well, I have got the all clear so far... no STI's. Even though I had an appointment, I waited way over an hour to be seen... I did have a hep B immunisation jab though and it hurt my arm at first but I'm ok. Anyway, I have spent the day In Gloucester and now I'm back at home. In Yate. Hmm... Anyway, I went to see Starlight Express and it was ok... bit warm up there in the upper circle but it wasn't a bad show... neither was it amazing... I felt it was extremely hyped up as if it was going to be this amazing spectacle that was soo unreal... like a dream... but that was just Hype. Without the Hype it would have been a fantastic show that said I have a lot of respect for the actors... there is absoloutely no way I could do the stunts they did on rollerskates like they did! Anyway, That was pretty much my day.
Simon
18/02/2005 - Friday
Weather: Sunny/Cloudy
Sunday is my mum's Birthday so today I took my mum out with Nick & Trish and the brood and we went to the Cinema & then TGI Fridays. I paid for a lot of it, and treated Nick to TGI Fridays aswell as my mum and myself & I drank alcohol which wasn't perhaps such a hot idea as I am on medication which doesen't recomend alcohol. It's been a nice day. Me & Nick have just been hugging n chatting and Guy often joined me & Nick for a group hug. Which was sweet. Although this should probably belong in yesterdays entry, Trisha's Flat is looking really good. I like her bedroom, very oriental. Back to today and I went to see Meet the Fockers. It's not a bad film... didn't think I'd like it much & Nick's mobile went off which was a little embarrassing... Ya know Nick, when Daryl Hannah endorses a message that says switch off your mobile, you really should as Daryl Hannah is also known as 'Calafornia Mountain Snake' - a member of the Deadly Vipers Assassination Squad from Kill Bill... ya know, the one with only one eye? Ya don't wanna mess with her now do you? Anyway, TGI Fridays was very nice and I hope Trish and the kids enjoyed there film. So I'm gonna end it on a high note and say... oh no it's Saturday tomorrow... My mum's friend is coming round... so much for ending it on a high note!
Simon
19/02/2005 - Saturday
Weather: Sunny
I have made a cake. And I hope that my friends are coming round to see my mum tomorrow because it's my mum's Birthday tomorrow. I should also get Trish a housewarming gift really... I will do. Right now I'm listening to a piece of music that kinda describes how Nick makes me feel... he makes me feel good inside! I hope Gary's ok too... The last time I spoke to him he didn't seem too chatty... I just hope he's still able to make it to my Birthday. I also haven't heard from Andy much lately. Some slightly old News but Mike is an Uncle!! He's got a 7lb 4 oz Nephew called Arron. Ultra cute baby! Got my mum's friend here... just chilling out now.
Simon
20/02/2005 - Mum's Birthday
Weather: Sunny
Happy Birthday Mum! I think she's had a nice day. Nick Trish & the kids came round and we mostly ate, drank, chatted and listenned to music while the kids made use of my Games Consoles which I think I'm going off simply because I;m moving onto other things. I kinda managed to give Nick a hug and kinda miss him. It seems someone who I met kinda is trying to worm some kinda info out of trish and perhaps use it to poison my friends against me or other people generally, thing is though, I haven't broken there marriage apart, seems it really is the kids as they were fighting and I can see the strain it puts on there parents. But my mum got some nice presents, I bought her some oriental windchimes and Nick & Trish got her some presents which are very nice I think. So next I guess it's my Birthday... 20 Years of age! Anyway, that was my week... Next week I get to chill out! Hoorah!
Simon
24/02/2005 - Thursday
Weather: Sleet/Snow
I apologise for the lack of entries for the last 3 days. I haven't been around much... Monday & Tuesday I was in Gloucester having a really hard time but I shall not be going Clubbing again as it's just boring and creates conflict a lot but I truly know it isn't me as I am refusing to get involved. I have to start living my own life and Trish makes it difficult to have a relationship with Nick which is why I consider myself Single... I just can't handle that woman, nor their children but then I've never been able to handle kids anyway. And Yesterday & Today I was in London. I woke up y"esterday morning and woke up with Trisha's voice screaming in my head and having Nightmares thinking that I just can't handle it and it's hell. So I thought F**k this, I'm gonna go to London for the day!" So I went off to the Train Station and went to London Paddington, grabbed something to eat in Piccadilly, went to Mitsukoshi and got Nick a gift, went to Chinatown and got Trisha a housewarming gift and then went to Westminster walked past my Birthplace for the first time in my life. I then went to Chinatown again and treated myself to a meal in a posh Chinese Restuaraunt and then got a bit pissed in a bar somewhere and decided to ditch my return ticket home and stay the night in London... So I have spent a lot of money and am Home now... hate this place... kinda... just one more thing, certain people seem to think I complain about how people perceive me (a man or whatever)... well, I am just Me. I'm Simon, nearly 20 years old & Male. Whether I'm a Man, Boy, Child, Bloke, Girl, Woman, Ginat flying boob with french knickers hanging from it's nipple is upto you because I couldn't give a flying toss about your perception of what I fall into. Anyway, Freezing out there, so wrap up warm!
Simon
25/02/2005 - Friday
Weather: Snow/Sunny
So I end up talking to that venomous cow and she proves that she can't be trusted as she either broke into my or Nick's email account and read an email I sent to Nick... so I can't have a private conversation. I think Trish is suffering from Schizophrenia which isn't surprising as she is always drinking and has been known to take drugs. I just feel as if I am getting nowhere and it's as if I am losing grip of my friendships. I really have No Idea how Nick feels about me... because Trish seems determined to tear us apart... I just don't wanna face the future... I'm getting myself into financial trouble by trying to enjoy myself but I ain't doing a very good job of enjoying myself... as I am alone. So... I get a birthday card from Empire... I really wish they didn't do that as I don't wanna celebrate my birthday right now. I don't wanna learn to drive because I don't have the will and the way trish is going on I don't think I am gonna be able to have regular practice lessons. So my chances of passing my test are gonna drop like a stone. So just what is the point?
Simon
26/02/2005 - Saturday
Weather: Cloudy
Good lord, I am feeling like shit... I went out last night and my Birthday venue is Chicago Rock Cafe... Trish was alright. She was drinking wine which is very London. Don't ask me what the difference between yesterday and today is... but I was invited out and I went out and I am just fucked up. I miss Nick... I kinda ignored him last night but that was because I just can't handle the situation. Infact, I even almost killed myself... just to see what would happen... I found the though very comforting... calming... just to be free... no regard for others simply because I just didn't feel worth caring about... it's a nice gesture but still... anyway... Nick is coming round... and I do need to talk to him as I haven't said much to him lately. I just feel physically like shit and mentally I'm not there. But that said... I am extremely surprised (in a good way) by a comment from Trish... she said that she has respect for me... and that is cool. I am changing... I am getting stronger... but I'm also finding myself getting deeper into depression... When I wanted to kill myself I wasn't thinking... just going with what my heart wanted...
Simon
27/02/2005 - Sunday
Weather: Sunny
Feeling clearer now... I think I may need to cool things off with Trish for a while and come back when things have settled a bit... maybe.
Simon
28/02/2005 - Monday
Weather: Snow
What a month... It's been rather eventful hasn't it? Trish came round last night and I was missing Nick like hell. She came round because I was cutting myself up but... I'm ok... I think. I just feel weird. But I have decided that I am gonna get myself out of this ditch. Trish thinks that I need to be cared for... and she made a swift appointment at the Doctors and I went to see Dr Smith who wasn't as good as Dr Evans but at least he's getting me refferred to a CPN. I've also been told to double up on Citalopram and Nick was a HUGE help at the doctors. Trish tidied up and I'm taking the credit for it however let the truth be known: Trish has done an absoloutely FANTASTIC job os clearing up and I am extremely greatful for all she has done. Thank you Trish! So please, don't give me the credit. My mum knows I'm suffering from depression... however I vow to get better... I'm upping the Citalopram on the advice of the Doctor... my mum's immediate response was "we need to get you away... not to mental home but on holiday". Also Chapter one has begun... so do visit the Light Zone. And that was February... Like I say on the front page of the 2005 Journal... look out for March... Project Ronin is gonna be shaking up my world!!! AND HERE COMES MY TWENTIES!!!
Simon